paul smith's Snaps & Bytes e-home
February 2004: PAUL SMITH'S DEVIANT'S DIARY - Things that go buzz in the night.
They say you can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time. If it were possible, just imagine the number of batteries we'd get through! It's a rare day indeed that I come across a new sex toy (no pun intended) and so yesterday, when I discovered two, was truly an epiphany for me. And just in time for St. Valentine's Day too!
The first was found via www.Bondage.com, Internet home of strapping lads and woman who want to get tied down in a relationship. While having a good rummage and a poke about I stumbled upon something called the Sinulator. I know, catchy name. I've been vaguely aware of a technology called 'Dildonics' which has been in development for several years, and it seems the Sinulator is the first applied example to make it to market. At least it's the first that I know of. Expect Graham Norton to give Betty one any minute now. Actually, there's something about that sentence which doesn't quite scan…
There was a time, before childhood obesity existed, that you had to get off the sofa to change channels on your Rediffusion wood-look television set. I remember owning a VCR that had a remote control on a lead, which you could easily snag a passing mum with a tray of teas with. Now, my home 'phone can be used from the bath and even my kettle is cordless. Obviously the humble vibrator has never needed a remote control before now, but suddenly, against the clear trend I've outlined above, it appears that sometimes they can benefit from a very remote controller.
There are two versions of the Sinulator, a single motor and a dual motor model, and it looks much like a Rampant RabbitTM type of toy. It's supplied with a radio transmitter that attaches to a Win98/2K/ME/XP PC via a USB port and some software to install. A little free registering online later and you're ready to go. Being a wireless toy, the user can relax away from the PC while a remote friend or total (possibly paying) stranger operates the toy via a control panel on the 'net, by selecting pre-set sequences of stimulation or manually tweaking and twiddling the controls, as it were.
Web cam professionals with members-only areas of their sites can make a big song and horizontal dance about this toy as it lets paying visitors to their pages take a more active role in netcasts. For now this might well be an almost exclusive selling point. Anything that gives a performer an edge in that restless, transitory market must be worth an investment of a hundred pounds (yes, it's not pocket money) or so in new technology. As Hone Lynn of HonezHouse.com so eloquently puts it, "With so many girls out there - its GREAT to have something so unique to help me stand apart from the crowd. Thanks Sinulate!"
This makes an interesting question. If a third-person being is operating the toy and being charged a small fortune for the privilege, does that make the receiver a genuine sex-worker? Discuss. If you feel inclined, visit www.sinulate.com for more information. Not on the moral implications though, it has to be said.
The other teasing toy I've had revealed to me is something that came from Amsterdam, I was told. It's an egg sized and shaped plastic ball with a loose ball bearing inside it to rattle about and excite. Nothing unusual there you'd think, except attached to the egg is a long, tapering plastic arm, with a second, solid (and thus heavy) egg on the end. This 12" device is intended to be worn -while say walking around Tesco- under a longish skirt, as to hide the pendulum as it swings, thrillingly, below the happy shopper. As I say, I've not seen anything quite like it before, but in future I'll make a point of checking for people who have no obvious reason to be grinning like the Cheshire Cat while I do my weekly waffle hunt. I imagine the smile could vanish quite quickly if they forget they're wearing it after finishing their shopping and carelessly sit down in the in-store café for a coffee.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to hear about new developments in this field. I remember the big fuss around the Rampant RabbitTM a few years ago. I think even Richard and Judy did a 20-minute thing on it, so to speak. In a growingly demanding and jaded marketplace it's only innovation that will inspire new purchases. That and the fact many penetration toys seem to have a startlingly short service life. My research (I've a few open-minded female friends who are happy discussing their masturbatory habits with me, just so long as I don't ask for photographs) suggests an 'off-the-shelf life' of six to nine months is not unusual. They can't all have lady-muscles like a Russian weight-lifters bicep. Like the joke-shops of my childhood, it seems some sex-shops are still selling plastic crap. And at £30+ for a quality vibe, it appears there really is no such thing as a cheap thrill these days.
What does surprise me is that no one has yet applied electro-stimulation technology to a budget toy. Some fairly basic electronics, usually found in those gut-trimming, stomach-muscle-toning belts, and a 9v battery are all you need to make a muscle contract and relax anything up to a dozen times a second. A slower pulsing action might be more pleasurable, and the unit could be marketed as 'The terrific toy that tightens as well as teases.' If I see these words on the side of a box in a year's time, I'll be sending a demand for a nice fat cheque. They say it's Love that makes the world go around, especially at this time of year, but for now, I'd rather have the money. Please.
Paul Smith is still free to a good home. Kinky Job offers to info@snapsandbytes.co.uk please.
Around 1000 words on things that go buzz in the night, Dale. Next month I'm visiting The London Fetish Fair and interviewing Mistress Hades (aka Heather) who runs it. I've already discovered she was a Zebra running about in the woods for Channel 4's Eurotrash show a few years ago. An episode that included the famous line, "There are two types of tail. The stick on type, and the plug-in type." Ah, memories. Should make a great feature. :-D
Paul.