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February 2006: PAUL SMITH’S DEVIANT’S DIARY - The Language of Lust - Or just what is Frottage anyway?
You'll have noticed how different professions generate their own language. Where would the Police be without IC2 Males to chase? What would QC's do without Silk to take? Just who is the Whip who helps Politicians stay On-Message? And how would filmmakers cope without Best Boys doing whatever it is that Best Boys do?
Sex, and therefore the sale of sexually explicit material, has its own language too. Clearly you'll cope if a customer asks for a spanking video, but if it's frottage they're after will you be able to help, or should you send them to the French cheese shop next door? How embarrassed would you be if you were asked for a lube suitable for use before felching and you just looked blankly back? "You're supposed to be the experts", the customer would cry - and I'm here to ensure that's just what you become.
Although there are longer, better and frankly more accurate lists available online, it's my hope that you'll find the following 'cut out and keep' guide to some more obscure terminology of modern sex helpful in both your private and professional lives.
A:
AB / Adult Babies. Regressive Age-play for the stressed executive. A hint of Yellow and Brown with this, so those nappies are a must. Also known as Infantilism.
Acrophilia - Being turned on by heights, or sexual situations involving them. Joining The Mile High Club only counts if the loo has a window.
Acrotomophilia - Arousal by amputation or amputees. As the late, great Peter Cook almost once said, "I've nothing against your left leg. The turn-on is nether have you."
Anal Fisting - Always accompanied by a caption that reads, 'I know I left my car keys somewhere!'
Anal Sax - Rumpy-Pumpy to smooth jazz.
Anal Sex - Oral Sex can make your whole day, but Anal Sex can make your hole weak.
Anilingus - What your boss likes best about you; Arse kissing. Possibly with tongue. Sometimes called 'Tossing Salad' for reasons I can't fathom.
Arborphilia - Finding trees a turn-on. Carries the ever-present danger of splinters.
Armpit Sex - Also known as 'Bagpipping'. It's very much what it sounds like.
ATM / A2M / Ass To Mouth - Kissing a donkey. Go on, they love it. It's a little known fact that many mules are starved of affection. A kiss, hug or even friendly 'Hello!' can mean a lot to them.
B:
Ball-Gag - A ball, usually rubber, used as a gag. Be sure to sell a size that's not wider than the user's jaw will open. Customers don't like a broken or dislocated jaw, or losing teeth.
Bastinado - Torturing the bottoms of the feet, perhaps by beating them with a length of hose. Could be used in Interrogation Role-play. Amnesty International wouldn't approve.
Beating off - Another phrase for wanking, as in 'Beating ones meat'. Best used in an apparently innocuous sentence like, "Mr Williamson, 92, bravely beat off the young man…" in a local paper.
Berth Control - Deciding who sleeps where on a boat. Approved by the Pope.
Blood - Some people find blood and bloodletting erotic. As Tony Hancock once didn't say: "A pint? That's very nearly a cock full."
Botulinonia - Sex with, or thinking about, sausages. I promise. I couldn't make this up. See also Sitophilia.
Brown / Brown Showers - See Scat.
Bukkake - Lots of face cream that'll really hide wrinkles.
Bushed - Too tired to shave your Pussy.
Buttock Sex - A form of frottage, where the penis snuggles like a hotdog sausage in a big butt-cheek bun. Great with baby oil. I hear.
Butt Plug - A plug for a butt. Avoid the three-pin type unless your customers like electrical stimulation.
C:
Cannibalism - Having friends over for dinner. Reminds me of this joke: "Girlfriends eh? I couldn't eat a whole one. But she loves it when I try." Really called Vorarephilia.
Cat - Presumably something that tastes nasty, since the phrase 'You'll have a taste of the cat' was used as a threat by pirates. From this, we speculate that most pirates don't enjoy Cunnilingus.
CBT - Cock and Ball Torture. There was a big Countryside Alliance demo in London about this when hundreds of farmers misunderstood the term and thought they were going to be banned from torturing cocks and bulls. Luckily, CBT remains legal in the UK. It's also the basic proficiency test for motorcyclists.
Clingfilm - Ideal for Mummification as well as Sandwiches. Also used in an act known as 'Glass Bottomed Boat', which I can't bring myself to repeat here.
Cock-Gag - A gag usually made out of solid Latex in the shape of a cock, often with a projecting phallus too. 'It does exactly what it says on the tin.'
Coprophilia - The technical name for playing with shit. Specifically, I believe, juggling with it. Not easy with anything but the most solid stool. Certainly very tricky with diarrhoea. Also see Scat.
Corporal Punishment / CP - NEVER to be mixed up with Capital Punishment. Basically walloping people at school as a way of disciplining them. It made me the man I am today; One wearing reinforced-seat trousers.
Crusty Lover - Another name for people with a Granny/Grandpa Sex fetish.
Cum - Nothing to do with 'Crusty Lover', above. This is Man Juice, pure and simple. It has magical properties and women drinking it regularly have often reported clearer skin, glossy hair, enlarged breasts and a heightened sense of smell, which could save their life in a fire situation. So there you go. Ladies, you know what you have to do.
Cum Farting - A post-anal-sex act, where the gentleman's deposit is raspberried out. See also Feltching.
Cum Swapping - A phrase just perfect for film titles, such as 'Teenage Cum Swapping Sluts of Prague'. See Snowballing.
Cunnilingus - Kissing a lady's front bottom.
D:
Dildo - The Hobbit who was written out of The Lord of the Rings.
Dirty Sex - Using mud, used cooking oil or food in lovemaking. Or yup, poopoo again. See Scat and Sploshing.
Docking - Popular with gay men who pull the foreskin of one penis over the head of their partner's, thus creating a 'penis fuck'. Not so popular in the Jewish gay community.
Dominant - Male: Dom. Female: Domme. The boss in a BDSM relationship.
Douche Bag - An insult hurled in 'E.T. - The Extra Terrestrial.' I remember asking my mum what it meant when I was 10. She said it was for cleaning curtains, which lead to an unfortunate shopping experience in later life.
DP / Double Penetration - Can mean either dual penetration of one person (usually anal and vaginal) or of a single hole. See also Sandwich, Spit Roast and Triple Penetration.
DVDA - Double Vaginal, Double Anal. An unlikely sex act featuring one lady and four close male friends.
E:
Enema - I had one of these once but it was a waste of time. A complete washout. See also Medical Play.
Erection - Something local papers call mobile-phone masts for headline-grabbing shock/comedy value.
F:
Fellatio - Admiral Lord Nelson's first name.
Felching - Sucking sperm or other fluid from a lover's anus. I'm not sure if using a straw counts. If not, Auto-feltching will be impossible. There's a town called Felch in Michigan.
Fetish - Any sexual association with an object or situation, such as Shoes or women smoking pipes.
Fetish Fabric - Any material which carries strong sexual associations for a devotee. Leather, Latex and PVC are all popular fabrics for fetish clothing, but silk, satin and lace all have their fans too. US film director Ed Wood had a thing for angora sweaters.
Frothy Walrus - As a man cums from a blowjob, he cracks a joke, which causes the giver to laugh, expelling the semen out his or her nostrils.
Finger-Fuck - A half-hearted Fist Fuck, this practice comes in various forms. The Twix (two fingers), the Kitkat (four fingers) or Finger of Fudge, which is, of course, Anal fingering.
Fishnets - The sort of Stockings preferred by North Sea Trawlermen. Christmas cracker joke, 1983.
Fisting / Fist Fucking - Putting the fist in the vagina or anus. Taking a Finger-Fuck that step further. I've even seen double-fist-fucking, but that's just showing off to my way of thinking.
FFS - Short for Fully-Fashioned Stockings, which are the ones with a seam, reinforced heel and toe. See also Stockings.
Finger of Fudge - An Anal Finger-Fuck. 20% of an Anal Fisting. See also Kitkat and Twix. Can happen by accident while whipping your bottom with too thin tissue.
Flogging - What Costermongers do to Bananas. Luv-lee Bananas!
Frottage - Rubbing of the body against a partner or an object for arousal. Also works with total strangers on the Tube. Comes from the French word meaning to rub.
G:
Gates of Hell - multiple cock-rings, usually held along the length of the male member by a leather strap.
Gay - Happy. See also Lesbians, as they seem quite happy too.
Gerbilling - Does involve Gerbils. See Zoophilia.
GILF / Granny I'd Like to Fuck - See Crusty Love.
Golden Showers - Sounds like a Saturday evening game show shown on ITV in the 70's. But wasn't. See Piss.
Granny / Grandpa Sex - Either sex with a real OAP, or someone dressed as one. And smelling of piss. And trying to tell you about the War. See also Crusty Love.
H:
Hard Sports - See Scat.
Harpaxophilia - Finding the idea of being burgled or robbed exciting. It's related to Chrematistophilia, which is being turned on by paying for sex.
Hungry Buttocks - An arse that eats your underwear. See also Puppy.
Hypnofetishism - Also know as Erotic Hypnosis or Mind Control Fetish.
I:
Infantilism - Being aroused by being dressed as/behaving like/treated as/spoken to like a baby. See also AB / Adult Baby.
Intercourse - What the Victorians used to call a conversation. I believe, thanks to David Blunkett, Social Intercourse (doing it in public) is now illegal.
J:
Japanese Rope Bondage - Fancy bondage, with rope. From Japan. Also called Hojojutsu or Shibari.
Jennings Gag - A dental device for keeping the jaw wide open, yet giving good access to the mouth for oral sex or 'feeding'.
K:
Klismaphilia - An erotic attachment to enemas.
Kitkat - A four-fingered Finger-Fuck. Very nearly Fisting.
L:
Latex - A natural form of rubber that is very popular for Fetish clothing. It's just as well that it's easy to wipe clean. See also PVC, Leather and Fetish Fabrics.
Leather - A popular fetish fabric, which should mean cows are super sexy.
Lesbians - Queen Victoria 'claimed' not to believe they existed. However, with the introduction of the Penny Black postage stamp, she was licked sticky by many thousands of women. See also Gay.
Lord of the Rings, The - Someone who really takes pride in their Anal Sex technique.
M:
Macrophilia - A fetish relating to scale. Either attraction to a giant/ess or the fantasy of being shrunk and at the mercy of regular-sized people. Microphiles have a similar, but opposite fetish; That of being a giant or having tiny people to 'play' with.
Masochist - Anyone who enjoys receiving pain or council tax bills.
Master - Guy dressed in black with a goatee, as featured on BBC television's long-running 'Doctor Who' series.
Medical Play - Dressing up as a Doctor or in a Nurses uniform (or as a hapless Patient) basically. Often associated with Enemas and Speculums. Popular with people with a gynie fixation.
MILF / Mum I'd Like to Fuck - A hot woman of a certain age. Stretch marks are not required to be a MILF.
Mummification - Full-body bondage that should always stop short of hooking anyone's brain out through his or her nose. See also Clingfilm.
Munch - Informal get together of BDSM folk. Also a word for what Hungry Buttocks do to pants.
N:
Nipples - At last, the question of why men have these is answered by BDSM: They're for your mistress to bite, twist and clamp, worm!
Nurse - The fantasy: a young Barbara Winsor in close fitting Rubber. The reality: Underpaid professionals who wear sensible Shoes. Many are Lesbians. See also Medical Play.
O:
O-ring Gag - A metal ring or sometimes a tube of thick rubber that holds the mouth open for oral or feeding. See also Jennings Gag.
Objectification - A fetish relating to the psychological process of changing someone from a 'sex object' into an 'object for sex'. Basically a 'Dehumanising' role-play.
P:
Piss - Watersports and Golden Showers. Add that extra twist with an ice-lolly making kit.
Puppy - Someone into canine animal role-play combined with Pissing. I'd rub their noses in it.
Puppy Love - You can be arrested for this.
PVC - Great for making double-glazing units. Also a popular alternative to Latex as a Fetish Fabric as it's easier (i.e. not as sweaty) to wear and is satisfyingly shiny.
Q:
Queening - Also known as face sitting. Usually a woman sits on a man's face.
R:
Rimming / Rim Job - See Anilingus.
Roman Showers - See Vomit.
Rubber - Called an ERASER in the States, and don't you forget it. Also see Latex.
S:
Sandwich - I used to work with two guys and a girl, and whenever they went to lunch together I'd always call, "Are you all going out for a sandwich?" To which she'd often reply, "Yes, Tom's getting my arse today." See also DP and Spit Roast.
Scat / Scatological - Playing with shit for kicks. Suggest having air-freshener handy for that surprise parental visit.
Shoes - A whole world of fetish (Retifism) in themselves, especially high or stiletto heels. There are even people who get hot at the sight of a clog. They're called the Dutch.
Sitophilia - From Sito: food; philia: attachment to. Refers to using food for sexual purposes. Think corn-on-the-cob, cucumbers, bananas, sausages…
Snooker - The most sexually charged of all sports. Where else can you hear, "Well, he went for the pink but got the brown", on prime time TV?
Snowballing - According to comedian Jimmy Carr, he discovered what this is the hard way. If only he'd have read this: The act of passing a lover's sperm back to them in a kiss following oral sex. See also Cum-Swapping.
Snowjob - a BJ with a mouth full of ice. Works best when it's the giver's mouth.
Speculum - A medical device that's placed within the vagina and cranked open, to allow internal examinations. Available in stainless steel and plastic and in two and three-pronged anal guise.
Sploshing - Playing with mud or cream pies. Harmless fun, but murder on the carpets. See Dirty Sex too.
Spit Roast - Something to enjoy on a Sunday with friends. In a nutshell, oral and anal or vaginal sex, often in the doggy position. Also known as a 'High Five'. See also DP.
Spew Sex - See Vomit.
Spreader-Bar - Sounds like a Swingers club, but is actually a rod of metal or wood to hold cuffed limbs apart.
Squishing - Also known as Crush fetish. Trampling on objects, insects or small animals for giggles. It's where 'Squeek' turns to 'Squeltch'. Animal cruelty isn't my cup of tea, I have to say. Stand on each other, by all means, but leave the hamsters out of it.
Stockings - Probably the most common male Fetish, which is strange, because 'knee-highs' don't have much of a following, even though they're similar. See also FFS, Tights and Fishnets.
Switch - Someone who likes to take both a Dominant and Submissive role.
T:
Tights - Not sexy. Should only be worn by Siamese-twin bank robbers. Pantyhose to some.
Tissue - When a woman sits down to watch a film with a box of these, it's going to be 'Titanic'. When a guy sits down to watch a film with a box of these, it's going to be a film featuring the other sort of going down.
Tongue - If you can touch your own ear with yours, you need never buy yourself another drink. Or you used to model for Picasso.
Toonophilia - Not, as you might imagine, an uncontrollable attraction to Newcastle United players. Actually a fetish for Cartoon Characters. Ridiculous? Just think about Jessica Rabbit for a moment.
Triple Penetration - Also known as a 'Full House' or 'Airtight'. Every hole filled. A Greedy Girl thing.
Twix - A two-fingered Finger-Fuck. 40% of a Fisting. See also Kitkat and Finger of Fudge.
U:
Urethral Sound - A long, narrow instrument, often made of stainless steal, intended to be inserted into the urethra (pee-hole) for the purposes of stimulation and dilation.
Urolagnia - The proper name for Watersports. See Piss.
V:
Vanilla Sex - First, take your ice-cream tub… Actually just means sex, without all the bells and whistles. Or clamps, cuffs, electrodes…
Vomit - Spewing can be sexy for some people, especially over others. So it's not just coke that makes Supermodels look so happy. Technically called Emetophilia.
W:
Wanker - Someone who drives their BMW right up your arse. An extreme insertion.
Wax - Practical advice: Always avoid Beeswax candles. Their wax has a much higher melting point than white wax ones and can burn. Unless you're after penetration, the best candles to use 'erotically' are the little 'tea-light' type.
X:
Xenophilia - A fetish for foreigners. That's Foreigners, not Foreigner, the rock group who had a hit with Waiting for a girl like you. Although they were quite sexy.
Y:
Yellow - See Piss.
Yoke - A sort of mobile socks, where the wrists are held fixed in relation to the neck.
Z:
Zoophilia - Bestiality. Illegal, immoral and surprisingly common; why do you think old women keep 'lap' dogs?
Note for Dale: Any chance of adding a dotted line with scissors symbol in the margin beside the staples on a two-page spread? Keeps the 'cut out and keep' theme going.
Anyway, almost 3000 words, many of which may be new to you mate. I hope you find them educational.
Paul.