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April 2008: PAUL'S PIECE - Postproduction - How Hard Can It Be? Part III - Issue 56.
Since his last article about the trials, tribulations and triumphs of producing his own adult movie a lot has happened to our own Paul Smith, including the very real possibility of an actual trial…
Previously, on How Hard Can It Be?: In February 2007 ETO ran my first article, outlining what I'd do if I was making my own film, and looking for a co-funder to make my plans a reality. In the June '07 issue I recounted the rocky story of getting my first few scenes shot. Having covered preproduction and production, this third and final instalment covers the raged tail end of production and editing, and focuses on postproduction.
First of my last three scenes to be shot was the infamous PVC Nuns one, but when a performer pulled out at the last minute because there wasn't a toilet in the church, I changed focus to my 'Tunnel of Love' scene. I'd already found a very urban looking underpass in a remote rural location and had a type of tattooed performer in mind to play whores. Luckily a few names came up and I was able to get Tallulah -a girl for whom the world filthy doesn't even get close- and Thorn, who was also a real sweetie to work with. I also signed up their partners for the scene. Having picked up Thorn and Les from Kent, at about 1am I met Tallulah and AJ at Berkhamsted railway station. Through the rain, we hiked to the location and my brother stood guard as I went through the basics of what I wanted. As well as filming with my camcorder, I used my mobile phone to record several scenes, so I could integrate the footage into the material I'd shoot on the plane. After a little false start things ran very smoothly, with Tallulah peeing for a bonus feature and both guys delivering the performances I hoped for. That means cum shots, if I was being too obtuse. As the sun rose I gathered up the sodden warning notices I'd put out on the footpaths approaching the tunnel, encouraged the girl's back into decent clothes and trudged happy, if tired, back to our cars.
Again, for the third time running, it was late in the day when I eventually got home, having returned Thorn and Les to Kent and stopped for a nap in each direction. For ever more I'll associate porn with falling asleep in my car and waking up with the taste of dead dog in my mouth. Shooting mucky movies really can play merry hell with your sleep cycle.
May the 29th was P-Day; Plane Day. The scenes I shot on the back-end of a 747 used to train airline staff would be the cement which glued all my wildly different scenes together. With only a few days to go Goddess Qing dropped out to visit Bath with her boyfriend, leaving me without a mechanism to link the dungeon footage I'd shot with her into the rest of the film. Potential disaster! To help make it up to me, she offered to lend the production the matching rubber airhostess uniform she'd bought after trying-on the one I'd bought from House of Harlot for the film. I gladly accepted, figuring two hot stewardesses would be better than one.
Having saved my skin when a previous actress pulled out on the morning of a shoot, I turned again to saucy black performer Lala, who was a total hero again and agreed to shoot a solo scene for me, to tie the material she'd shot with Goddess Qing into the plane footage. So instead of an oriental business lady (updated to oriental airhostess when she bought the dress) enjoying a mid-flight masturbation session under a blanket, I reworked the loosely-structured script to feature Lala having a more graphic play in the toilet.
Realising a plane empty except for performers would look strange, I roped in my brother, one of his mates, some friends of friends and AJ of Strictly Broadband into appearing as extras. I also started a thread on a BGAFD forum asking for people interested in being in a porn movie, if only as a supporting artist, to get in touch. An opportunity not to be missed, I imagined.
Rob Stone emailed me with some sound advice. He said I shouldn't rely on anyone from BGAFD and we was quite right. The only person of 20 or more 'from the net' to appear at the right place and right time was Graham, an actor I keep seeing in things as diverse as Elizabeth -The Golden Age and Never Mind The Buzzcocks, in the Identity Parade round. On the plane he ended up playing a strong comedic role by being terribly British when performers performed on the seat next to him (e.g. not complaining and watching out the corner of his eye while pretending to ignore the action) and even stepping over two girls to reach the toilet. Wonderful stuff.
Before we actually reached the plane, the cast met up at Kaz and JJ's place outside Gatwick, which by coincidence wasn't far away from the 'set's' location. There we decided who would be what. With Lala, KazB and Suzie Best all fitting the two stewardess uniforms, the consensus was Lala and Suzie best suited the role, and Kaz would be a passenger. She showed me some outfits that might suit (I did like her PVC nurse look, but had already decided to avoid anything as clichéd as schoolgirl, maid or, sadly, nurse in my film) and eventually we settled on a rubber corselet with matching gloves and stockings.
An important early job at the plane was taking photos of Lala and Suzie for the front cover, and I wanted something that showed these two sexy girls in their rubber dresses off, as well as the fancy aircraft location I'd invested in. There was a slight delay when JJ's van wouldn't start, and Kaz needed some extra time to get ready but we were up and filming around 4pm and bless them, they gave it their all!
Special thanks also go to Ric Porter of PortwayFilms.com, who stepped into Andy from Handiwork's shoes when he had to pull out due to family health reasons. As a very experienced camera guy who's worked with TVX, Ben Dover and a long list of industry names during his 25 year career I was delighted to get him at a price my spiralling budget could afford. When I arrived at the plane at a little after 3pm, he'd already put up lamps and had a good idea of what he was shooting. With the location costing a fair chunk of the movie's budget, I'd decided to film scenes simultaneously in different parts of the plane. While Kaz and JJ were fucking on one side, I'd be filming Suzie and Red on another. While Suzie and Jase were getting better acquainted (although they'd worked together before and were on each-other's 'recommended' lists) I'd be in the toilet with Lala and while Kaz and Red were doing a girl/girl scene for Ric, I'd be in the galley with Suzie for some cucumber sandwich action. I also needed shots of the Lesbians sci-fi film being shown on the plane's big screen (I had been promised an over head projector, but went with what I had) and some shots of the whores sequence being watched on my mobile phone.
Red is an industry pillar, having performed for over 10 years, mostly as a dominatrix for her own productions. As something of a veteran, she was looking forward to two firsts; shooting on a plane and being a naughty nun. Jase Nakes is a big guy I keep seeing in various productions (the latest being Tanya Hyde's Underworld) and was picked because he has a reputation for reliably delivering a big performance. KazB and JJ -a real-life couple- had a lot of onscreen chemistry and were very happy to jump into anything I asked of them. Suzie Best had been recommended by a friend who watches more porn than me and is more knowledgeable about who's hot and who's not. Pitching the film to her on the phone, I was very impressed with her professionalism and delighted with her eagerness on the day.
With typical underestimation of how long it takes to shoot a 20 minute scene, we over-ran my original two hour estimate by over an hour but people were (mostly!) understanding. Only Kaz and JJ were up for a post-shoot pizza, while everyone else had other places to be- Understandable as it was now approaching 8pm. I playfully tried to bribe the lady who'd been left behind to lock-up after us, but the extra time cost an additional £250 I'd not budgeted for. On top of Lala's very reasonable fee (Goddess Qing was to have appeared as a part of a content share deal for material for her site) it'd proven to have been a very expensive day.
Falling asleep on KazB and JJs sofa while they shot an 'online exclusive' gonzo scene for me in their bedroom meant for a fourth time in four shoots I didn't get home until the following morning, after detouring to central London to return Goddess Qing's rubber dress as she needed it that day to entertain a client. I was pretty shattered, but worse was yet to come…
My final scene was the hardest to get shot. So hard, in fact, that it never happened. I'd booked Miss Y, Sandie Caine and male performer Winkle to be two nuns and a monk, but Sandie decided the location wasn't suitable for her to do what she called an 'extreme anal' scene, so I had to postpone the shoot at quite short notice. The replacement actress I contacted, who I'll be calling Miss X, seemed keen but as time went on caused me more and more concerns. First was a health scare, which only passed the night before the shoot when she got an all-clear from her clinic.
I'd decided on a remote church to use, which while it was still consecrated, was no longer in use as the community it once serviced had vanished. This was a mistake. Although I'd found a Plan B location in case of problems, the shoot hinged on not being disturbed for a good hour or two. With an original plan of shooting in the early afternoon on a week day, having the only key to lock ourselves in and posting a sentry outside, it should have been ok. When the 12-noon meeting got pushed back to 2pm at Miss X's request, I went with it. Winkle had volunteered to pick her up but it was almost 2pm before I got a call to say they were on their way. My heart sunk as I went to meet Miss Y, who had been as punctual as ever and was waiting at a local pub for me.
Having already cancelled on Miss Y and Winkle at short notice I ready didn't want to do it again, but as time went on, I grew more and more worried and anxious. I got occasional calls from Winkle to say the M25 was a disaster, and ETAs which moved ever further back. I kept Miss Y and her partner entertained but it was 6pm before Winkle and Miss X arrived, and we went off to a supermarket for her to prepare herself for the anal scene. While waiting, Miss Y was clearly not impressed and Winkle confided that he didn't think Miss X would have made it to the area on the train, which had been the plan before he'd suggested collecting her.
I was worried about Miss X as she seemed less than stable, and my request to dress down to draw no attention crossing a farmyard on the way to the church seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. The air of tension between her and Miss Y was pretty detectable too, and the scene was quickly re-imagined as a boy/girl one, with Miss Y doing some solo stuff rather than any g/g stuff. I collected the key and as we crossed the farmyard we needed to walk through to reach the church we were stopped and challenged. With me, my brother, the three performers and Miss Y's partner along to take photos, we did stand out a bit. The problem was the yard's gates were going to be closed shortly and foolishly I pressed on with the shoot even as alarm bells rang louder than they already were. By now it was so late Plan B's location would be too dark by the time we got there, and my brother needed to be somewhere else at 9pm. I felt like I'd painted myself into a corner by saying yes when I should have been saying no for several days.
I'd barely lifted the camera to my eye when my mobile rang. My brother, who was outside and acting as a spotter in case anyone approached reported the farmer was on his way. I alerted everyone and we quickly packed everything up, but there was soon banging at door I'd locked from the inside. I glanced around at everyone looking innocent so stepped up to the door. It sprang open, he stormed in and found Miss Y fighting with the zip on a suspiciously PVC platform boot.
In a scene best described as ugly, the farmer hurled some abuse and demanded we leave, which we promptly did while maintaining our decorum. Then he demanded we stay, called the police, and threatened to ram my car when I showed an unwillingness to hang about. When the police arrived, they took a rather one-sided view of the situation, which perhaps wasn't helped when an alleged comment about 'this wouldn't have happened if you'd have been on time' was made to Miss X. She went into a bit of a frenzy and had to be restrained from attacking another member of out group. "He called me a whore. I'm not a whore", she wailed. "I've not done that for years". If I'd not have been trying to keep things cool in front of the police, I might have laughed. On the other hand, she was very upset and I didn't want to be attacked too.
The upshot of all this was Miss X, Miss Y, Miss Y's partner and I were all issued tickets for 'Displaying Disorderly Conduct in a Public Place'. It's the same thing you get for being caught peeing where you shouldn't on a Friday night, and doesn't go onto any sort of permanent record. The deal is you can pay an £80 fine while, and I quote from the back of the ticket, "Payment of the penalty involves no admission of guilt". Or you can ask to be dealt with in court. I didn't personally feel I'd been guilty of displaying disorderly conduct in a public place, but imagining how a court case might go ("What were you doing in the Church, Mister Smith?" "Um…") I decided to just pay up. Even though the most disorderly conduct I'd seen had been by the farmer
As Miss X was carted off by the police for an unconnected mater, with Winkle following in his car, I said to him to call me as soon as they were free. I still needed a boy/girl scene and could shoot something less fetishy at my house. As it was, the call never came and when I got to the police station, they'd already left. Winkle's phone went to voicemail and when I reached Miss X's phone she was already in London. My scene wasn't going to happen in any form.
While Miss Y, her partner and I went to discuss payment (she'd been on time, and willing to work, so I paid her in full) and the fines (I paid hers out of my own pocket and despite not feeling responsible for her partners, half of his after he'd threatened to drag my name through the mud)
With a certain amount of fall-out hitting the Internet after the event I kept a low profile, and only responded to some specific inaccuracies. What upset me most was how, the moment that things had gone wrong, it was all my fault. I appreciate I have to take some responsibility, but everyone knew what the deal with the location was, and I can hardly be to blame for the farmer's
Winkle generously waived his fee so I was able to pay Miss X 1/3 of her performance rate in recognition of her time, and posted her some things she'd left in my car.
A tough, embarrassing and expensive lesson to learn then, but one that has some value to the wider industry. No matter what safeguards you put in place, it only takes one ranting individual who's been offended by what they imagine was going on to call the police, and you can find yourself at the centre of a shit-storm I'd not wish on anyone else. It'd been an error of judgment to think if we were disturbed and asked to leave we could just pack up and leave, but perhaps not as big an error as continuing with a planned scene hours after it was supposed to be shot, in a situation that was clearly not ideal.
Stressed by what had happened, I soon succumbed to flu. I struggled through this while editing a rough version to show Jerry. As he'd paid for half of it, understandably he wanted to see something before I went off on holiday. Thus he introduced me to the term 'Time Boxing' and got a very rough cut at the end of June. By July the running time had been reduced to the right side of 4 hours and I was regaining my confidence in a project that seemed to have gone spectacularly off the rails. I mocked up a basic idea of the cover, which I had to show off at the ETO Show towards the end of the month.
Music proved to be a problem for quite a while; August, in fact. My search for the right score brought me to the attention of American producer Tony Barre of Barreparts.com, who was good enough to send me a selection of his BDSMeque CDs. While they certainly had a great beat to- well, beat to, one way or another, I wasn't able to find enough tracks which I thought would be perfect for the varied scenes I'd produced. Huge thanks to him for his enthusiasm though.
Step up London producer Stevie Eagle E of Shlepp Records, who I was put in touch with through Jerry Barnett as they're mates. He'd already provided music for one adult movie so had an idea of what he was getting into and was one of those people who are so cool they can use the word cool in conversation and still be cool. Sickening. I met him twice at his London studios and with a couple of delays (it's very hard to chase someone up who's doing you a favour) he gave me a CD of tracks he thought might be suitable. I'd been looking for urban, R&B, contemporary tunes to use for the plane scenes to keep it feeling fresh and modern and he came up with some great suggestions.
I also needed music for the Alienesque Lesbians scene, the 'Tunnel of Love' scene I'd shot in the underpass, which had became known simply as Whores and the long scene with Goddess Qing in the dungeon. Poking about on the internet turned up incompetech.com, a site full of royalty-free music by Kevin MacLeod. Happily there were lots of his original tunes which fitted my needs perfectly and adding the credits he wants for their use to my end titles was simple and reasonable enough. Spending a day arranging his tracks so they mixed together and working Stevie Eagle E's music over the hum of the plane's engines resulted in something ever closer to my original vision for the film, or rather the aural equivalent.
Cover design was always a major concern of mine. Porn films don't sell off million dollar advertising campaigns or cinema trailers. You won't see a poster for Spunk Gargling Sluts of Prague #17 on a bus stop. They're bought primarily on their sleeve artwork and I was very lucky to have a mate experienced in the professional print & digital design business. I approached Peter Shorey in a sunny pub garden and he covered his initial surprise well. It turns out he'd been thinking of getting into the adult market for a while and it seems my proposal would be a good place to get a springboard into the industry. He started a specific business for adult work, Eros Design(.co.uk) in response and did a cracking job with the images I supplied him. Several versions followed as I tinkered with the layout and wording, but his first version was 90% of the way there. He also did the DVD image and the advert you should be seeing in ETO this month. A very talented guy.
By September, having had a month-long pause to be horribly ill and wait for the music, the film was edited and sound effects and music added. I'd found some 'Bings!' online that added the air of authenticity to the plane scenes and I'd recorded that unique hum and far-off roar you get from a commercial jet while on my way to Barcelona for ETO in February. With a few last-minute tinkles (yes, you can hear the sound of a plane's toilet being used in one scene) I was ready to deliver the film to Strictly Broadband for uploading, and the BBFC for review.
Ready, but incapable, it seemed. Getting to the Strictly offices in London was easy enough and they copied the crisp AVI files off my portable hard drive and did their encoding thing. The BBFC, on the other hand, wanted a DVD to watch. Which was fine, except the film was 223 minutes long (3h 43m) and my laptop's dual-layer DVD recorder struggled to produce a reliable dual-layer DVD. It popped out versions that would play on some, but not all of my DVD players. I've subsequently discovered My choice of DL DVD+R might have been the problem. I've been told DL DVD-Rs are much more likely to play in things. So there you go.
Part of my original funding deal with Strictly Broadband was that they'd have an exclusive deal on streaming the film for three months, and I delivered the film to them on a portable hard-drive (see my DVD issues above) for copying and encoding. They also got the bonus 'At Home with the Porn Stars' prequel scene KazB and JJ had kindly shot for me while I dribbled into their sofa, and a behind the scenes featurette, complete with 'Spot The Butt Plug' and various bits of unused footage. I chose to leave out the bit where I almost got poo'd on though. There's such a thing as maintaining the fantasy. On the DVD the 50 minute long gonzo scene was dropped for space, and because the tone didn't really match the rest of the film, but I included a trailer I made for internet use (but in full screen/high bit-rate glory) and a gallery of behind the scenes photos which runs like a slideshow to music.
Anyway, the film went live on Strictly Broadband towards the end of September, and I was delighted how it rapidly rose up their charts to sit at number one for several weeks. They promoted it heavily on their site, I wrote the story of how it'd come about for Strictly News and they and I tried to keep it in folks minds on the BBFC forums. Without wanting to give all Jerry's secrets away, I was on the 20% of ticket price, plus 30% affiliate deal that's offered on the site to anyone with BBFC-level material they have the streaming rights to. In the first ten days the film was accessed over 260 times. In October, about the same. By November it'd dropped a further 2/3rds to 90-odd. December showed some plateauing at 68 sales and January a tiny bounce up into the 70s. February 2008's sales was in the mid 30s, and March, if it continues at its current rate, should be around 50. Totting that up, something like 850 streamings (is that the word?) have made me almost £1000 back thus far. This could easily be the difference between making a loss on this film, and a profit.
Importantly, I also pushed for the film to be available as downloads for iPod video and Sony PSP via SB.
Dealing with the BBFC was harder than I wanted it to be, mostly because my laptop refused to burn a dual-layer disc reliably. The fact that their grand offices at 3 Soho Square don't have a letter box also caused issues. Eventually I produced a low-bit-rate version of the film that fitted on a single-layer DVD as well as the better dual-layer edition that would play on 'most' DVD players and supplied both to the BBFC, along with their submission paperwork. That was in September. I'd not hear back from them until the end of October, and even then, it wouldn't be good news…
However, in the meantime there was the Adults Only Show in Birmingham in early October, where Strictly Broadband were showing highlights of the film and Lala and KazB were wearing their outfits from the movie. As well as giving visiting fans a bit of a treat and handing out glossy photos (which produced a small run-in with the photo lab at Tesco despite being less revealing than beach holiday pictures, but that's another story) the actresses drew a lot of attention to the stand from the trade, and over the weekend several distributors expressed an interest in seeing the final thing once the BBFC had passed it.
Returning to the BBFC, I got a letter saying very significant cuts needed to be made to the 'Whores' scene due to vomiting (there wasn't any vomiting, I'd have noticed that) and gagging. A quick email to the reconsideration department, whose address was almost longer than the mail I sent (reconsiderationrequests@*removespambeater*bbfc.co.uk) and a slightly steadier review by a senior examiner later, and I had a clearer and more concise list of cuts.
At the start of January 2008 I sent out a dozen screeners (the industry name for preview copies, I later discovered) and sat back to wait for the offers to come in. And waited. And waited. It seems my enthusiasm for the film wasn't quite matched by distribution's. On the other hand, no one is on top of things in early January, and over the following weeks, feedback began to dribble in.
Replication proved to be one of the easier stages, thanks to ETO. I flicked through the adverts at the back, contacted MediaHut(.co.uk) because i) they weren't on a long list of people to avoid various studios and producers had given me and ii) they are members of AITA, which I think is a good thing. I wanted to support those who've supported the industry via AITA as well as ETO via advertising. The fact they were very reasonable, and had ideas to work around my lack of reliable dual-layer master to copy, also helped. As I write, I'm expecting to drive to Nottingham to see them tomorrow, and if everything falls into place as it should, I'll have artwork from Eros Design for the disc and sleeve for them as PDF files and a delivery date in the first week of April. This means Queensway Film Distribution should/will/must have stock as this issue of ETO lands on people's mats.
Ultimately it depends on what happens next which determines the success or otherwise of this project. The film's triumph on Strictly Broadband has filled me with some hope, but the film's production cost (£4,500ish) plus BBFC's review charge (£75 + £6 per minute x 223 minutes = £1413+VAT) and mastering, replication and printing costs (around £1,300+VAT for 2000) have a long way to go before they're recouped. It still remains to be seen if this was an expensive experiment or a successful attempt at making something a bit different. Either way, to my own satisfaction I have answered the question, How Hard Can It Be? It can be bloody difficult and beset with problems and headaches it's hard to plan for or protect against. Luckily I enjoy a challenge and would consider putting myself through this again if Cum Fly With Me! makes a reasonable profit. If it's a fly away success (see what I did there?) who knows, perhaps there will be a Cum Fly With Me 2- Cum Fly With Us! Alternatively I have some other ideas someone interested in a budding director and editor might want to talk to me about…
Another upshot of the project is that I've been taking an AS level course in Film Studies at my local college since September. It's also been educational, but in a rather different way.