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May 2006: PAUL SMITH’S DEVIANT’S DIARY - A box of dates, or where the Internet gets Intimate.
Internet Dating wasn't something I had a whole lot of past experience of -if you discount the occasional meeting with a chubby, lonely girl who'd remind me to always insist on a recent photo before hooking up with anyone from a chat room. I'm not shallow, I think of it as having standards- yet it's a huge business that's still growing at a pace; Going to the expense of national television advertising always says 'room for sales improvement' to me. In the interests of science and entertainment, I tugged on my modem lead and went bottom sniffing in the big Country Park they call The Web.
Starting with the biggest, Match.com had me stumped to begin with. Like many of these sites, it gave me the chance to browse profiles before I gave them credit card details. So I selected that I was a man looking for a woman and that I was in the - not United States, which is often the default setting. I looked for United Kingdom but it was missing from its usual spot between the United Arab Emirates and Uruguay. So I went hunting, thinking that the UK might have been broken into its parts or misnamed. But there's no England, Britain or Great Britain. I did find Gibraltar, which was comforting, but I'm not moving to the rock just to see local girls looking for fun/friendship/maybe more/love/marriage. And they'd spelt it 'Gibralter'. Then I noticed they wanted a login, email address and password, so I gave up.
That plan thwarted, I thought I'd try Match.co.uk, which turns out to be a Healthcare Services business, supplying temporary medical staff; I'm not sure that I'd want to be treated by someone who does medicine fleetingly. "Yeah, I usually do plumbin', but I help out at the genitourinary clinic at weekends…" Anyway. I wasn't off to an auspicious start in my search for a partner.
I returned to Match.com in the hopes of finding my missing nation and it was then that I saw you can search and place an ad for free, but you have to have an advert/profile to search, and you have to subscribe to communicate - which makes sense as this is the business of bringing people together, not a charity. After answering the sort of questions you soon bore of (as the day of creating profiles drew on it started feeling like a hunt for the best deal on car insurance, even with added creativity regarding appearance, likes, wants and gender) I found the UK neatly sandwiched between Canada and Afghanistan. Obvious when you know!
Simply_Complex was already in use and I rejected the site's slightly bizarre suggestions of Simply_Comple325, Simply_Compleluv or lilleslinger (eh?), so I went with 'VyingForPosition' as I enjoy double meanings.
I was asked 'Are you ready to Make Love Happen?™' and given the option of signing up for a month at 'approx' £25.53 or for longer periods, up to the 'as seen on TV' 'if you've found no one in six months (at £12.18p/m ish, billed 'in one easy payment' of approx. £73.07, but in dollars) we'll give you six more months on the site free' deal.
My inner cynic had to laugh at the note on the page which says: 'Continuous Service Rates or Focusing On Love, Not Money. We'd rather you spend more time finding your perfect match and less time paying your bill. Which is why we automatically renew your membership when it's about to expire.' That's very good of them. Bypassing the money options, I clicked My Profile at the top of the page and filled in the gaps with something approaching reality.
The final question on the opening page was 'What's Your Sign?' Slippery When Wet and Do Not Disturb weren't options, so I had to pick Sagittarius. Now, I'd already given the site a date of birth so they could have worked this out for themselves, and the very existence of the question told me this is a site for women as 'they care about that kind of thing'. In the pets section things got weird again. I could select 'Fleas - I have/I don't have but want/no opinion'. Have I missed something? Since when has 'I have Fleas' been a winner with the opposite sex? It doesn't even work if you're a Cocker Spaniel. 'Where do you sit on the political fence' didn't have a 'Don't vote for politicians, it only encourages them' option, so I plumped for 'Some Other Viewpoint'. Should I be worried that this site is based in the US? If enough people in the UK clicked 'Non-Conformist' or 'Very Liberal' would we be invaded? Sorry, I mean liberated via a regime change. "But I'm not a terrorist, I'm a journalist", I wanted to plead at the screen. "The difference is we destroy people but leave buildings standing." Suddenly I've come over all Ben Elton, which beats coming all over Ben Elton…
The 'About My Date' page gave more fun options, including looking for a Big And Beautiful woman, as well as a Full-Figured one. I don't know what separates some of these euphemisms, or even if there's some overlap. I could pick Curvy, A Few Extra Pounds and Heavyset too. Five choices for what might, possibly, mean overweight - would it be wrong and deeply xenophobic of me to repeat this is a US web site? This proved a problem in the education section too. I don't know how bright you are to have gone to High School, and I don't know what 'Some College' means in real terms either. Would 'I attended for 20 minutes before I was thrown out of my A-level course for setting fire to another student' count as 'Some College'?
The 'Do you want your dates to smoke' question gave a 'Cigar Aficionado' option that I couldn't help but click. And I selected 'Thunderstorms' because it was on the list of turn-ons, along with Brainiacs and Skinny Dipping. Oddly there was no mention of Nice Breasts.
I had 128 characters for a Dating Headline, so I put 'You're almost certainly not the girl for me as I'm fussy, but if you don't take a peek, you'll never know if you missed Mr Right' - which fitted perfectly. What woman could resist? 200-odd words on what makes me a special catch and I was all set. The next page said it might take 48 hours for my ad to be approved and added to the site so while I waited I repeated this process, or one like it, at several other web sites.
To try to gather a cross-section of replies, I read a selection of adverts on many sites and tried to distil certain traits into several distinct personality types. That way I could convincingly pose as several people. I was Hannah from Essex on the GuardianSoulMates.com web site. (Free ad, communicate for 3 days: £5.95, 1 month: £17.95, 3 months: £35.95 or 6 months for £56.95) I like to dance and finding myself in strange situations and positions ~giggle!~. At GayDatingDirect.com I was Stephen from Warrington, keen on martial arts and I was looking for something meaningful. They rejected my photo because of 'Hat'. Somewhere in the rules it says your prime picture should be of your face (it was) and unobscured. Now, to me, a hat obscures the top of your head, not your face. That would make it a mask. The 'cheeky' thing about this site was if you drew attention, as I did, you couldn't read the messages sent to you until you'd paid at least £4.99 for a three-day trial. Other options are £9.99 for a week, £19.99 for a month, £39.99 for 90 days and £59.99 for 180 days. But whichever option I went for, it'd cost me to find out if Adam from Widnes wanted to know what happened to the picture mentioned in my profile. As his profile consisted of two badly typed lines, and George from Blackpool's was longer, but just as badly written, I skipped reading their mail as expectations were low. And I didn't fancy the sound of either of them.
Claiming 2,174,393 listings in the UK, at AdultFriendFinder.com (free profile, £15.47 for a month to £86.07 for a year's Silver membership, or £21.78 to for a month to £129.13 for 15 months (12+3 free) Gold membership) I tried to be a 31-year-old virgin called Keith from York. For reasons best known to themselves my profile was rejected because 'Content included unacceptable or illegal topics or subject matter'. Perhaps it's because I was ginger in the picture I uploaded; they wouldn't be the only site with a secret 'No Gingers' policy. This is the text I supplied, so if it's not in here, it must have been a box I ticked. But what would the point of having a tick-box…
Introduction Title
Peek at the Unique Geek Freak who seeks sleek meek freakette
Introduction Text (e.g. describe who you are and what you like/dislike)
I'm Keith, and I don't have a lot of luck with the ladies. I guess I'm a shy and am better at being lead than leading in a relationship - and I suspect women don't find that an attractive trait in a chap. Socially I enjoy concerts (classical and jazz rather than anything too thump thump thump) and hill walking in the Dales.
Describe What You're Looking For in a Person
A woman for sex
If only it were that simple, eh? There's not a type I go for (kind heart, understanding, thoughtful and deep are all good words though) but it is a physical relationship I'm looking for. Without putting too fine a point on it I'm still a virgin (don't swallow your tongue!) and already have FAR too many female friends than I can cope with. So. A girlfriend, maybe more. I'd also consider a 'one-off' encounter. I'd rather this wasn't with a professional but as time goes on, my middle-class resistance to the idea is being eroded.
Please get in contact. I can't promise you the best night of your life (unless enthusiasm makes up for lack of experience more than I think it does) - but I can promise you the best night of *my* life. That must count for something :)
Given this was on AdultFriendFinder, which calls itself 'The World's Largest Sex & Swinger Personals Community', I can't see what their problem was. It's not like I wanted to bugger Aardvarks.
At the free LondonFetishScene.com I was an unnamed 44-year-old 'DaddyDom' (Google for it) looking for an open-minded girl between 18-30. The only reply I've had from that ad, at the time of writing, was spam from a chap called Dean trying to hook me up with a model he knew who did 'poses and video'. No mention of OTK spanking or OTK socks at all. InformedConsent.co.uk is another free site in the UK with a fetish/BDSM/kink readership (there needs to be a new word for people who frequent particular web sites. Viewer, client, patron and visitor don't really cut it either) so I decided to be Sissy Samantha there. Which let me reuse my Hannah photo. So far no couples have got in touch.
Surprisingly, given that I look like an Afghan Hound in a bad wig in my profile picture, it was Hannah who produced the most interest. Perhaps this is because traditionally men pursue women -or at least are more open and unsubtle about it- and the same behaviour is seen online. Several emails from gents tried to include their contact details, but this is against Guardian Soul Mates policy. I don't know how the communications are monitored (automatically? Manually?) but if both members aren't paid-up subscribers, email and web addresses are removed, and phone numbers vanish too. A small selection of the internal mails is below. Names have been changed to protect the (looking again at my picture) desperate.
Well hello Hannah,
You are a 96% match for me and I'm a 67% match for you - just 2% short for a good time - perhaps we could work on that - and I promise not to touch your bottom - unless you insist.
I hope our age difference is not a barrier to you - every princess deserves a sugar daddy - get back to me if you would like to fill this role.
Bye
Harry
Not bad, but without a photo on his profile, I was wary of fluttering my eyelashes too much. 54-year-olds can look fine, or terrible. It all went wrong with his follow-up:
I'm putty when I look into your dark mysterious eyes and your gorgeous red lips stir my desire. That's how I feel now - but I suppose you want me to tell you all the boring things about me - I'm fit, got hair, own teeth and love having special friends - how about you? - tell me some intimate details about yourself, something that can be our secrete.
Please get back to me soon
Intimate details I can do (well, fake) but I don't secrete anything without a proper introduction! Just what kind of a girl does he think I am? With a photo (not bad - 7/10) this younger chap had a stab at charm:
Hi
Well your wrong...am very interested in your nice bottom so there.
So how are you? Thought I'd contact you as your clearly made for me. No really. Not looking for anyone to grow old with either. Sod that. Am perfectly happy as I am thanks, but do miss having someone to wander around the shoe shops with.
Am looking for someone to share some good times with though, no I'm not referring just to the wild endless sex moving seamlessly through a collection of ever interesting positions.....no wait I meant I am just referring to the wild sex etc etc.
Ok that's not actually true, the truth, if it can ever be trusted, lies somewhere between the two. So if you fancy communicating then write back. It could be fun......
Instantly lost marks by not being able to spell 'you're', but it was interesting to see that my nice bottom (not pictured) was drawing attention.
Hi
I like your profile tell me a bit about you?
Steve
Rubbish. My profile told him a bit about 'me', and specifically asked for informative and frank replies. 0/10 for effort, and less for execution as his grammar 'were pants'. The following were from another guy:
Hello...I just added you to my favourites, which wasn't meant as a cop-out. I read your highly interesting profile and would like to get back to you, even though I'm a zillion miles away from Ilford. Just a bit busy at the mo, so I'll save it for later and put my D/s cards on the table. Bill
What's with this 'couple' thing? I take it you like a bit of kink? Bill
'Favourites' are a feature of this site, where you can say someone's caught your eye by adding them to your online harem. I got added to someone's list within minutes of signing up. I was also pleased to end up on a couple of ladies' Favourites pages. Tragically, without signing-up, I was only able to reply to emails from a selection of pre-formatted 'one-liners', but resisted asking anyone for a three-day gift subscription. I wasn't ready to pop any illusions, break any hearts or take a gullible man's money.
What I discovered on my personal journey of discovery was I'm more attractive as a girl than a guy (a worry) and that there's no high profile broad-appeal 'adult' dating site in the UK. Alt.com, AdultFriendFinder.com, Collarme.com and Bondage.com are all US based, with all the cultural and language differences that implies. These limitations did cause me some confusion, and it would be gutting to discover my perfect erotic match was living in a different time zone. And only speaks Mandarin. The majority of UK sites seemed much more prim and proper in comparison, focusing on the kind of relationships best conducted fully clothed. Perhaps with a chaperone. While the more racy sites asked me to rate spanking on a scale of one to five, most asked me to define myself in terms of the books I read. Only the niche, free UK sites I'd posted on let me describe a perfect bedroom buddy, which was lovely, but no way to run a business. I'd say there was a golden opportunity for someone to jump in here, with a well-crafted site and some late night television advertising to kick it off. I've checked and ShagMates.org and BonkBuddies.eu (a new extension which came out last month) are both available.
Postscript: Harry and I never did get together.
Paul Smith is still free to a good home. Kinky Job offers to info@snapsandbytes.co.uk please.
Just over 2700 words on WWMM (World Wide Meat Market) or Internet Dating Dale. I dated an internet for two weeks and didn't enjoy it much. It kept making me pay for the cinema, and wouldn't even spring for the popcorn... I think there's enough informative stuff in there to balance the comedy. Screen grabs to follow. Cheers!
Paul.