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July 2006: PAUL SMITH’S DEVIANT’S DIARY - Baaaargain hunting at LAM.
The Grand, opposite Clapham Junction railway station in London, lives up to its name. It's a fine Victorian theatre that's now a nightclub and music venue. But every first Sunday of the month it hosts the London Alternative Market from 11am 'til 6pm - last entry 17:30, price £4. Harry Potter fans can find it on the corner of St. John's Hill and Severus Road in their Hogwarts branded A to Z. Unlike some other fairs I've been to, this market is run as much as a day out as a retail opportunity, with various events staged throughout the day. The organiser, David (an ex high flyer who jacked in his well paid job to follow his kinky dreams and feels much richer for it), is known as Master Cosmic on the scene and he was clear about what the market offers on top of relaxation, socialising and shopping. While sporting the same professional looking L.A.M. Crew t-shirt as his assistants (except with the MC picked out in something sparkly) he explained how his show is different.
"For starters The Grand is a wonderful location which we're really pleased to have access to - it really makes the event special. The management here have been very supportive and approachable and the bar staff are cool and respectful of our more colourful visitors. It's an easy place to reach with Clapham Junction literally just across the road, and on-street parking is free and plentiful around here on a Sunday. Plus there are places to eat or drink and cash points all around. In the venue we like to keep the atmosphere uninhibited and playful while supporting the kink community and fetish and D/s industries. We also hope to entertain and educate visitors with demonstrations of equipment and techniques. Put simply, we want people to have a bloody good time!"
When the long-running London Fetish Fair was forced to change location several times in a few months last year, as well as switching from the first Sunday of the month to the second (sadly clashing with the SWAMP event -formerly Bristol Fetish Emporium- held on the same day) several stallholders got together to consider alternatives, and out of that the London Alternative Market (complete with cool ruminant-based LAMb logo) was born. Thus far it's proved there's room in the calendar for another fair, and the front desk held flyers for many other events including Ishmael Skyes' yearly Thames BDSM boat trip that I enjoyed back in 2004 and the 3rd yearly KinkFest, being held at SeOne on the 28th and 29th of July this year.
The Grand was quite a surprise when I first entered it. The mirrorballs were all turning in their spotlights and even the delightfully cheesy 70's lit-by-coloured-lights-from-below dance floor was blinking away, partly hidden by stalls being set up. Suitable music (Master and Servant by Depeche Mode was one unsubtle track I picked up on) was playing but not so loudly you couldn't hold an intriguing conversation with a pierced child of the streets. Not literally a child though, as unsurprisingly they're not allowed in. On the subject of dress codes, there isn't one I could fathom and I was not alone in being in dusty combats and a shirt.
Rather more attractively attired, two nurses I'd noticed outside were the first visitors I spoke to. It turned out they were only dressed as nurses - their matching manacle earrings should have given this away. They'd been to LAM several times, making an effort to impress each time. In May they'd been naughty schoolgirls in authentic uniforms. They really enjoyed the tone and environment of the show and valued its regular scheduling, I learned.
Fetish Is The New Porn was a slogan I'd read on the cover of a recent Skin Two magazine and it's a phrase I used when explaining to TPTB why I should cover yet another fetish fair, having already been to the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar and London Fetish Fair for ETO. Everyone I spoke to at the show who expressed an opinion agreed that kink is going more mainstream all the time, with even a mannequin wearing handcuffs and a blindfold being spotted in Debenhams the previous week. By using unthreatening imagery on LAM's regularly updated flyers, straight-laced organisations are happy to have a pile on a table in reception and they can be safely handed out in Camden without the risk of upsetting anyone. Perhaps it's sneaking kink in via the back door (ahem) but when practised by informed adults, it's all good harmless (if occasionally painful) fun and that's certainly how LAM presents it.
With a couple of small stands and a demo area, the balcony becomes a chill-out zone as the day goes on. You can even grab a crepe or baked potato from the food vendors there before sitting back to admire the views. Up at the back of the balcony (they don't use the very top deck -The Gods- as it's just too steep. I asked about Public Liability Insurance and David was pleased to say it's covered by the venue) I met several artists. Tracie(art.com) was displaying her portraits on the wall and I was impressed by the wide range of styles and materials she works in. Jan (which I misheard to start with and happily accepted her as Jam. It's that kind of an event) Murphy talked about TwistedPhotography.co.uk and Mark Varley of BeautifulBondage.net was also the official LAM photographer and I bumped into him quite a bit as we both looked for good angles to capture the scene. It's worth adding I had permission to photograph the event and everyone in my pictures was asked if they were happy to be shot. Generally cameras and camera-phones being used are reason enough to get guests shown the leopard-print-fur covered door.
From above (not a bad place to be) I noticed the gorgeous Chanta Rose browsing in a lovely rubber dress before I discovered who she is. As the creative force behind such sites as MenInPain.com, ChantasBitches.com and BondageExpert.com, she was on the Raison Detre stand at the show to launch her practical guide: Bondage for Sex Volume 1. This glossy tome tells you all you need to know about not being restrained about restraints and features many informative pictures as well as wise words on the does and do (k)nots of rope fun. Charming Chantra also told me about her plans for an electrosex site to be called WiredCock.com (TBC - it may also be electrocock or shockcock as she owes all the URLs) to compliment the classes she holds in San Francisco entitled 'Electrifying The Cunt'. No ambiguity there then!
Just before 1pm a demonstration of Flogging and Florentining (which I thought was an ice-cream flavour, but is actually two-handed double flogging) was given by Vicky of Freak Clubwear(.co.uk) dressed as a cat. Which confused me as her partner in the business and beyond is called Cat. Which tells you I'm easily confused by a woman wearing furry ears and a tail. If her smile was anything to go by Jessica, Vicky's happy floggee, didn't seem to mind some extra heating to her buttocks and thighs on what was already a hot day. A free four-page A4 guide to safe play backed up the demo with talk of sting and thud, suede, leather and rubber floggers as well as sound advice on avoiding the kidneys and spine. Amongst other top tips for Tops.
In addition to education, charity is a big element of LAM and June's deserving cause was Outsiders(.org.uk), an organisation helping less-able (either physically, mentally, emotionally or socially) people enjoy the world of sex. Previous organisations supported by the London Alternative Market have included The Spanner Trust and Feminists Against Censorship. Over £2,100 has been raised over the first four events, with Unfettered(.co.uk) being the focus of the July market. David and his team's commitment to giving back to the pervy -in a good way- community is clear.
Another part of LAM's self-imposed remit is to make fetish and D/s (S&M, BDSM - lots of names for power games!) fun and The Great Voltini, ably assisted by the lovely Nurse Electra, brought the show to a stop for 10 minutes thanks to their literally shocking stage show. As seen on So Graham Norton, Voltini is a man unafraid of running many thousands of volts up his arse in the name of art, entertainment and education. The educational bit being 'Don't try this at home unless you want to make your haemorrhoids fluoresce'. Organiser David was particularly impressed as electroplay is one of his favourite pastimes and he's written widely on the subject for various web sites.
E-Stim Systems on the main floor was perhaps less shocking, but their Wayne Allen was still tingling with talk of their new product, a £125 remote controlled zapper. Their custom designed BDSM electro boxes pack more of a punch than some of the TENS boxes seen elsewhere, and were on sale at LAM for £75 for the multifunction E-series 1. The trade price is around £50 so again, if this is an area you should be exploring in your shop, do get in touch with them via Wayne@e-stim.co.uk. They'll also be exhibiting at Erotica (although their insertables won't be there, as that would make them a sex-toy stand with associated cost consequences) and the Skin Two Expo, where I somehow missed them last year. They also hope to visit the ETO show in July.
D (or 'D-.' if you want the long version. She wouldn't tell me the name on her passport though) has a face I've seen at many fetish events. One place I've not seen her is at Torture Garden, who she works for on club nights. Her stand on the stage was called 'Second Coming Clothing' and she specialises in retro fashions, military uniforms and unusual headwear, including a yashmak which worried me. Her philosophy was you don't need to follow well-defined stereotypes in order to enjoy a fetish. To illustrate her point she told me about an event she'd attended in a wedding dress she'd picked up for £5 - accessorised with a giant black strap-on. She'd even taken her piercings out to look extra virginal, although I fear the 10" adornment may have spoilt the illusion. I understand this was rather the point.
Also on the stage was Very Alternative Furniture(.co.uk), which I was surprised to discover comes from the same town as me. Their aggressive retail pricing on cleverly designed bondage equipment means even with a 10% trade discount (on orders over £1k. 20% off £2k+) there's room to make a good margin and Colin is keen to supply shops with innovative and well made fetish-friendly furniture. As well as Colin, I also recognised Ian Gibson on the Herta Gummi(.co.uk) stand from the Skin Two Expo I attended in last October. He's now sold six of the giant Big John dildo at £70 each and is looking for a new home for a large barrel of rubber he doesn't need. Visit their site to get in touch if you want to stock some more unusual latex lines as trade discount is given.
By day Brian Sims is boss of Happy Hedgehog, a blacksmith firm making all sorts of ironwork from gates to delicate chairs. But by night (and on this Sunday) he sells his very solid cages, beautifully crafted fetish furniture and bespoke restraints as Erotic Hedgehog (.co.uk). I was particularly taken with a horse-like construction that LAM team member Jenis (as Little Red Ridding Hood) was happy to pose on for me. This was Brian's first fetish event and he was pleased with how it was going. As well as selling some smaller items from the stand he was on the lookout for commissions and expressed interest in supplying the trade. So if you're looking for a unique mirror or gothic candle stand to compliment and add drama to your display of bondage equipment, look no further!
Amongst all the rope being sold by the metre, masks, leatherwear, feathers, clamps and things that made me turn my head to one side in the effort to understand how they might be used ("Oh it's for cock and ball torture!") I was soon looking upwards in hope of a break from the wonderful perviness. Above the hubbub was Luna of Be Right Back(.net) massages in the royal box. Originally from Denmark, Luna is another successful career person who decided they'd rather do what they enjoy (for £10 per 15 minute massage) than what makes them rich. She's usually based in Folkestone and this was her third visit to LAM. Kept relaxed with stress-busting aromatherapy and essential oils, her only gripe was she was she's always too busy to watch the stage-show.
At an event like this you expect to see interesting characters and I wasn't disappointed by a lad with a bushy tail in stark contrast to his unremarkable street-clothes. But Fox-Boy, as I like to think of him, could never compete with Mistress Xena from Bristol on eye-candy appeal. She won my converted 'Most Attractive Visitor' award by looking good enough to worship and was kind enough to speak to me about her visit. Fortunately she didn't have a West Country accent, as I'm not sure I could take a Dominatrix who'd call me 'Moi Luuva' seriously. "This is my first visit to LAM and I've been very impressed - I love this venue. I do a burlesque show with fans (I don't think she means admirers) that I've been talking to David about, so perhaps that's something for the future. I've also been talking about my fetish ball, Are You Being Serviced, which was on May the 27th."
Visitor numbers were slightly down on previous months; thanks to a combination of weather so nice it demanded people stay in their gardens with an ice-cream and two club events the night before that had left many funky folks feeling more fuzzy than frisky. Despite this, after about 3pm the market seemed well attended to me and the stallholders I spoke to were still happy to be there rather than sitting down with a cold beer in the shade of an outsized gimp. LAM is also a great place to play the Leather Trouser Count (not a typo) Game - I got to eight. David hopes to grow the market in both visitor and stand numbers, but not too far as he regards the Grand as key to the show's success and it has a finite capacity. Out of keeping for a BDSM-flavoured show, I didn't even find the bar prices unpleasantly painful. It's still early days (July will be month 5) but I think all the elements are in place for a spankingly successful future for the event.
Paul Smith is still free to a good home. Kinky Job offers to info@snapsandbytes.co.uk please.
Around 2500 words on what's new in the world of Fetish-friendly markets Dale. I hope they left you breathless and rosy-cheeked. :-)
Paul.