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October 2005: PAUL SMITH’S DEVIANT’S DIARY - Questions are a burden to others. Answers are a prison for oneself.
"Excuse me".
Two words, when delivered on a High Street where I'm not expecting them, are guaranteed to strike fear into my heart. I turned slowly, already knowing what to expect. The only surprise was the colour of her clipboard. It was lime green. I felt a fool to have been caught so ill prepared. I must have been daydreaming not to spot the danger, to perform a course-correcting swerve, to suddenly be fascinated by a display of cardies in Marks & Spencer's window. Even to have just ignored the "Excuse me", tainted as it was by a New Zealand accent and walked on, would have done. But no, I'd failed in this simple task. I looked down into a big pair of earnest eyes behind unfashionable glasses and wondered what was it to be today. Save the Orphaned Puppies of Turkmenistan? Lesbians with Leprosy Rescue? Fucking Tourettes Awareness again? Whatever it was, I was soon to be invited to give this young, shapely woman, a total stranger, my bank details, and by painful extension, my money. She wouldn't get either, but that wouldn't stop her asking, dammit. The dictionary has a new word; Chugger. It's a compound of Charity Mugger and I was about to say "Mir ist die Brieftasche aus meinem Zimmer gestohlen worden" to this typical example, when she followed her "Excuse me" up with those blessed words: "We're doing some market research".
Phew. Close call. She showed me some ID and pointed me to the Civic Centre where, in exchange for half an hour of my time, I could have a pen. Since I have much more time than money, and don't mind giving it up half as much, I sauntered off. Hey, a free pen's a free pen. For the better part of an hour they showed me adverts and asked me to rate them for effectiveness and say if I thought they were -ist. Any -ist. Political correctness does stretch to commercials for curry source. Personally I liked his turban, but the head-wobble was a step too far.
This experience got me thinking. Most industries use market research these days. Tesco may invite you to sample their prospective new 8p-a-tub yoghurt and say what you think. In another store I was once asked which pineapple I preferred the look of. Did packaging A make me hungrier than packaging B? But, as yet, no one has ever asked me if dildo A makes me hornier than dildo B or if I'd buy more porn on DVD if the box featured more photos of anal penetration. (I might).
The adult entertainment industry, at least in the UK, has always been too disparate and factional an entity to pay for such a study. Beyond buying product in, sticking it on your shelves and seeing what sells, how much market research have you done lately? As an aside, I love it when spokesmen for one firm or another say, "It's what our customers demand", usually while trying to justify why their product, aimed at children, is 98% sugar. When was the last time you wrote to a consumer product or food manufacturer with a demand? And I'm not including, "I've put crushed slugs in your baby food and I want £50k not to start sneaking it onto your shelves", type demands. Of late, perhaps thanks to the focus ETO has brought (well, in part anyway) to the trade, as well as the success of the July awards and trade show at the NEC, things seem to be changing. There is a clear movement towards greater official and public acceptance, increased professionalism and more sophisticated marketing - all signs of a maturing industry.
Anyway, it occurred to me to gather sexy merchandise purchasing information, specifically from end users, on your behalf. As I don't own a clipboard of any colour, and have no tabard to my name, I wouldn't be hitting my High Street. Anyway, I can think of few worse jobs than asking strangers those sorts of questions in person. Arrest for causing an affray or other public order offence would never be far away. Off the top of my head I can only think of one worse job; being the person who puts the white stars over rude bits on pictures in ETO. If a stray erect cock got through, would they be shafted? No, standing in the rain saying, "Excuse me" wasn't what I was destined for. Instead I thought I'd use the grand tool of investigation we call The Internet. A simple digital questionnaire on a web page, using form script to gather data, was well within my HTML writing skills and I set to work on a list of questions I'd want answered if I was a retailer of adult products. I figured you'd want to know if it was a few people buying a lot of porn, or a lot of people buying porn occasionally. For every film that leaves your shelves, have five exited from some bloke called Phil's car boot? VHS vs. DVD - Which format has adult market share, and by how much? Do people want batteries included in the purchase price of their vibrator? Is there a demand for gimp masks in Leatherhead or manacles in Shackleford? Is your web site clear about postal insurance and are punters still too shy to buy buzzin' buddies online?
It would be nice to think that you know your customers well enough to not need to turn to market research. But if Tesco with their people 'n' product tracking Clubcard scheme don't, you don't. For every visitor who doesn't find what he or she's looking for and asks you about it, many more will just walk out to look elsewhere. I read ETO's Mystery Shopper feature with interest every month as I think it's an interesting insight into one person's subjective view of what's good and bad in British adult retail. Do visitors even notice a dark carpet, let alone care? Clearly objective comment can only come from a large sample of sex shop shoppers spilling the seeds of their wisdom. Perhaps a few years ago they weren't ready to be asked - now you can't watch late night TV without a woman with a probe up her lady-hole getting turned on watching chimps wanking or the Sex Inspectors suggesting what a couple really need to get the passion back is more cross dressing and less salad dressing. Or was it the other way around? Either way, people are more open about their bedroom experiences; even talking about problems on telly, where their mothers might be watching. I would be offering a totally anonymous forum for feedback. Ok, so there would be no 15 minutes of fame (or possible infamy if an ape with a stiffy gets you wet. Try explaining that to your white-haired old mum) but, conversely, I wouldn't be sticking a probe anywhere. You pays your money, you takes your choice.
Half way through putting my form together I stopped. "Who am I", I asked myself, "to dream I know what questions adult retailers would like answered?" I closed down my web editor and turned to my other problem; how was I going to tell the world about my plan? I wanted something national, reaching people of all socio-economic backgrounds. I wanted responses from everyone who's ever bought a sex product in the UK, regardless of their gender, sexuality, weight, height, shoe size, race, colour, creed, culture or age - 18+, obviously! From a girl with more piercings than a colander to a gentleman with a dirty power mac and beyond. Putting a card up in my local newsagent's window with 'Please Help' written on it wasn't going to do the trick. The national equivalent of this is taking out a classified advert in a paper and a little research said this would be within my budget. I could get three lines in The Times for fourty-odd quid, plus VAT. I'd have liked to have the questionnaire's web address in The Sun or Mirror too, but they sell space by the boxed ad, and as you may have already read above, I don't have that kind of money. If I did, I'd be donating it to The Smoke-damaged Lemurs of Papua New Guinea Relief Fund anyway. If only for the sticker.
So here's your chance to take part in this unique project. The statistical nature of the data I'll be gathering makes queries like 'Does my shop need better parking?' a difficult one to answer, but I feel sure you can think of worthwhile questions to ask the Great British adult product purchasing public. Please email your suggestions to ETOMagazine@aol.com before October 12th so I can include the best of them in the questionnaire and get gathering info in time for the November issue's deadline. Thank you.
Paul Smith is still free to a good home. Kinky Job offers to info@snapsandbytes.co.uk please.
1500ish words on the serious science of sex shop shopping Dale. Can I suggest you ask someone to sponsor the feature with a small prize, which can be sent to someone who fills in the form - including his or her email address? I might also get some editorial interest from whichever newspaper ends up carrying the advert. A study like this hasn't been done in the UK before, as far as I know.
Paul.