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November 2004: PAUL SMITH’S DEVIANT’S DIARY - Brumpy Pumpy.
There’s more to Birmingham than Ozzy Osbourne and the Bullring. It’s also home to an event that lays claim to the title of ‘The World’s Largest Monthly Fetish Fayre’. The Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar is held on the third Sunday of every month from 11am ‘til 5pm at Nightingales, a 3-floor club on Kent Street. This is just around the corner from Clone Zone and the Hippodrome and, in all honesty, it isn’t the pretty end of town. Still, like my mum always says, it’s what’s inside that counts. I’m fairly sure she isn’t thinking of fetish fayres when she says this, but it still works. Entrance: Adults £4.00. Children No! No cameras, genitals, babes-in-arms or non-human pets. No running, ducking or bombing. Heavy petting, however, is encouraged…
I arrived in England’s second (or possibly third. This is not a debate I want to get involved in) city by train and had a walk of about a mile to the venue. Outside were three examples of why I didn’t drive here - a bolus of Traffic Wardens. Birmingham is unusual in having full single-yellow-line restrictions on a Sunday and there’s a big notice to this effect at the entrance to the show. On the other hand there are two large multi-storey car parks close by as well as several pay-and-display areas on what, I’m fairly sure, are bomb sites from the last war. The last big war.
The building is a large one, with two floors of stalls and a demo area on the top floor dance area. Here I met Dave and Barbara who’ve run the show at the same location since they launched it in September 1999. Then they had six stalls and 75 punters through the door. Today the show has around 40 stands and regularly attracts 700+ dedicated shoppers. Barbara and Dave met via the Internet long before it was fashionable and Barbara moved over here from the USA, bringing her can-do attitude with her.
With all the space they have to play with it’s not surprising several BDSM furniture manufacturers choose to display their wares here. I saw several fine cages but it was the foldaway (not collapsible) equipment made by Colin of Very Alternative Furniture (.co.uk) that really caught my eye. He had a solid-looking coffee table on display, which at the touch of a button (oh ok, an unlock and a bit of lifting) converted into a padded play table simply by rotating the tabletop. Cleverly it doubles up as a toy box and in vanilla mode looks very innocuous. Cunning.
A recent addition to the regular exhibitors at the show is Maria’s Wigs (.com). They’ve had a stand here for the last four or five months and were really enjoying the atmosphere of the show. They’re one of several stands targeted at TVs, at least in part. There were also erotic art and print folks, lots of bondage equipment sellers and as many whip, crop and paddle traders as you could shake a rattan cane at. Well priced Latex, PVC and leather clothing had a big showing, along with medical, AB scene and uniform fetishwear. Only ‘mainstream’ toys and novelties were in a clear minority but even these were there if you looked for them. Electro-torture equipment an African military dictatorship would be proud of was displayed alongside a copy of The Wildcats of St. Trinians on VHS (£15). I think eclectic is the word.
One big ‘selling point’ of the event, and something that sets it apart from its contemporaries, is the monthly practical BDSM demonstrations it hosts. On the day of my visit it was the ladies and…well, ponies of De Ferre Pony Club. Founded in 1999 by Mistress Jessica and Lady Sharlotte (who gave the demonstration) the club has around 150 members paying £15 each for lifetime membership. They have the run - plus trot, gallop and canter, literally - of a farm in Devon where £40-£120 events are held around seven times a year. A mile and a half of trails suitable for pony carting pass through private woods and there’s an exercise area complete with a large rotary thingy the ponies can be tethered to. There are Dressage and Show Jumping days as well as slave hunts, races and various other healthy outdoor pursuits. Events are usually run from Easter to Halloween. The other five months of the year the fresh Devon air is a bit too fresh, although the ladies dream of trying their sleigh out in deep snow with some après-ski-boot-wearing Shire ‘horses’. The club has appeared on TV several times, including the ubiquitous Granada Men and Motors, and have several DVDs and videos of their adventures available through Anvil Media.
After I’d had to turn down her kind offer of a ‘transformation’ on the grounds of keeping my journalistic distance, to say nothing of dignity, Lady Sharlotte spoke for half an hour on the joys of pony play and ‘tacked-up’ a member of the 200plus-strong audience, before handing over to Sir Guy of ‘The Other Pony Club’ and his fine filly ‘Blonde Bootie’. He talked about harnesses and demonstrated some basic control methods and pony gaits with a ‘volunteered’. Next month it’s The Joy of Wax, I believe. I was very impressed with this ‘how-to’ show and agree that practical displays like this add a lot of variety to the lively, secure and businesslike atmosphere of the fayre. In the past bondage techniques, caning and electro-stimulation equipment, amongst many others, have been shown off and talked about.
Sitting down with Barbara and Dave as the show was beginning to wind down, I was moved by their obvious passion for it. As stallholders in the lifestyle themselves they know what makes a good event and their pride in this one is self-evident. Future plans include adding extra stalls as the door count continues to grow, on a ‘if you’ve a unique and pertinent product, you’re in’ basis. Really this means opening the third floor up but there is an unused acre of space up there, even allowing room for the demos and audience room. If you do something you think would add to the show why not drop Barbara and Dave an email to bbb@brumbazaar.co.uk, or call 0121 6021316. There is a waiting list for stand spots (they start at around £50 for the day) but you never know, your products might be just what they’re looking for to plug a hole. Insert your own butt-toy joke here.
Comparisons between this event and others have to be drawn. One clear area where this show wins hands down is that there’s a cash-point only 100 yards away and the two bars offer cash-back. Like a man who can’t pronounce his Fs or Ts, you can’t say fairer than that. On the downside the in-house restaurant doesn’t have a non-smoking area (yet) but now that I’ve whined about it in a national magazine, who knows? Now that’s what I’d call the power of the press!
To sum up in a snappy sentence: If Erotica is a pervs hypermarket, and the London Fetish Fair a kinky craft fair, then the BBB is a friendly corner shop where the owner tells you how to make a great sponge cake.
Paul Smith is still free to a good home. Kinky Job offers to info@snapsandbytes.co.uk please.
Over 1200 words on Bazaar Burminum Dale. Hope you enjoyed them.
Paul..