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December 2005: PAUL SMITH’S DEVIANT’S DIARY - All the ins and outs, ups and downs of London Erotica 2005.
Travelling to this year's event's grand opening (I never did see the 'celebrity' shipped in for the job) I kept my eyes open for adverts for the show. In the past I'd spotted them on the Tube, lining the escalators and doing that odd optical illusion where they appear to be leaning backwards. This visit I didn't see any advertising, bar the big posters outside Olympia itself and a small ad in a paper that I happened to notice someone reading. Perhaps the show is now so well established that it doesn't need particularly intensive promotion, but I was surprised to see so little sign of it beyond Kensington. Even the famous Erotica Bus was found inside rather than on the streets of London. Other than that, I watched for obvious visitors to the show. PVC was a give-away, but boots under a long coat on a day as cold as this one was a wholly practical outfit. However they did leave one wondering how far up the boots might stretch and how short the skirt they may never reach could be.
I was outside the venue at 11.55am, having pushed past the usual swathe of ticket touts at the station. On the steps I met Mr Burns of NMA & Book Exchange (a.k.a. Adults Only) waiting for the floodgates to open. I recognised him from the ETO show in July, where he'd been the first visitor in the queue. True to form, he was at the front of the queue for the trade entrance to this show too. Despite my very flimsiest of trade credentials I was issued with a pass and went on my merry way, glad to be out of the chill air.
Some time later, Lewis Gopsill of Cupids Couch (he asked me not to mention the missing apostrophe, so I won't) was enjoying his first Erotica while showing-off his heavy-duty dual-chamber inflatable couches, with the help of a charming lady, Sexy Ex(hibitionist). It's basically a personal bouncy castle that can be partly deflated and slid under the bed, and straddling the black vinyl looked like a lot of fun, if Sexy Ex's expression was anything to go by. Retailing at £49.99, you can order 6+ for £21.72+VAT each at www.cupidscouch.co.uk.
Elsewhere on the top deck, which was being much better utilised than I'd seen it in previous years, I met both barrels of Alison Evans-Smith selling her 'Buzzin Bags'. She launched her range of bags and cases at the previous London event and was very pleased with how they were going. From £5 for a rabbit design, ideal for your rabbit, to £20 for a more capacious lockable case for the toy collector, there was a better place for your plastic-pals than your knicker-draw to suit every pocket.
Worth the £15 entrance fee in itself, (£16 on Friday, £24! Saturday, £18 Sunday) a rubber-clad Freddie was sprawling all over the £7,000+ Scorpion Adult Playstation in a selection of gynaecological examination poses, while gangs of yoofs photographed her - all day. Learn more at DisciplineByDesign.co.uk. Across the way from them was Vibrafun's stand, where Jason Regler was busy promoting their range of unusual vibrating gizmos and fighting off people begging to buy them. Happy with product awareness this time, next year he'll be using the event as a retail opportunity, with stock there to sell. Beyond a seating area I saw the DreamBoys stage (where I failed to see any DreamBoys) and the Climax Bar (where I failed to…).
Dominating one side of the gallery area were three video huts/tents from Harmony, Private and Pussy Galore. They were doing good business but at about £20 per R18 movie I found a better deal at Cut Price Films on the main floor, where I could get well-known DVD and video titles from the likes of GGG and Asphyxiation for a trifling £10. More movie madness was found on the StrictlyBroadband.com stand, as it was here that slightly scary (but in just the way I like) bald-headed, multiply pierced filth-mongering webinatrix AJ told me all about female squirting. It's going to be really amazingly wonderfully big, apparently. Oh, now I'm gushing.
AJ was delighted with a 'Rocket' JCB-powered dildo she'd borrowed from the Solo Sex Machines stand, after I'd let her know they had some. They were demo'ing several ride-on fucking machines (£500) and industrial vibrators and I chatted to Dorian Castle about the Solo-Rider, which I'd seen on Channel 4 not long before. More colourful toys were found on TopCat corner, where they had a table of new products to be admired. I particularly liked the micro version of the rabbit, designed for your key-ring and powered by three watch batteries.
Stereotype spotting can be a lot of fun at Erotica. If I had an I Spy book on the subject I would have been able to tick-off the Japanese Business Man (Leather briefcase, Camelhair coat, Burberry scarf, glasses - all present and correct) Unconvincing Transvestite (Lantern-jaw, bad wig, better legs than wife - check), Fat bald Man (Red Dwarf t-shirt and beard both in attendance) and Slack-mouthed Gormless-looking Model (Pert bottom, towering heels - roger). But there were unexpected meetings with a giant walking pair of hairy testicles (promoting MaleCancer.net) and the welcome return of the dancing Comedy Nuns.
Sensual Essentials were selling the Fun Factory range, including a pink model that looked the spitting image of George from Rainbow and a moulded mole holding a flower, which had me thinking of Richard Gere. Because flowers are romantic and he's a romantic icon, of course. Some smaller toys were waterproof, but they didn't include one in the subtly sculpted shape of a mermaid that was merely 'splash-proof'. Peekaboo had a tall stand, ID Lubes had a small stand (where I was given a 'I'm carrying ID' wristband which kept making me look at my wrist whenever I wanted to know the time) and Hide and Chic had a cool stand. They were selling leather corsets and other hide goodies and get a mention on the basis of their punny name. Sally Reeve of Urban Photography was proudly displaying her wares - particularly girl/gay interest calendars, xxxmas cards, muscled mousemats and saucy wrapping paper. I looked down past cocks and pecs to Christmassy bottoms at the bottom. Ah, stuffing.
Dramatically-breasted Linsey Dawn McKenzie and her sister Alison were selling Linsey's new DVD, Gone Solo, while Linsey was sitting on blokes' laps for £10-a-pop Polaroid's. £20 topless. She'd launched her own firm, Linsey Dawn Productions recently, and spoke enthusiastically about her ten years in the industry and her appearances on Howard Stern, Playboy and Footballer's Wives. There were other well-inflated products at Mansilla Trading. They sell Danish-made warm-water-filled sleeves in dual-chamber vaginal and triple-chambered anal designs via their watersextoys.co.uk site. They also sell a mini vibrator to be attached to the reusable pouches, as well as a funky blue latex-paint product.
One ETO-related success story I heard about was from Tim Holt of Midnightvibe.com. He'd met with Apollo at the excellent (in my opinion) ETO show in July and had been happily trading for a month by the time he and his wife, Mandi, had reached Erotica. Speaking of Apollo, they had a stand in the trade area and seemed to be happy. Happier than some anyway. Folks I got to talk to included Sh! Women's Emporium who were extolling the virtues of their new lube range, and hinting at some exciting new products on their way. Since they're well known in the UK, Rude Britannia were treating the event as more of a PR exercise, while Japanese firm SOM were showing their mechanical masturbators. They'd been shown on Playboy TV in the US but it was all new technology to me. By coincidence I'd been working on a piece for ETO about future market trends and Mari and Kayo showed me something I'd thought was years in the future; a toy being controlled by a DVD film so that its movements matched the action on the screen. Give it a few years and I'm sure you'll be seeing much more of this sort of device control method.
Five launch titles of the Swank brand were waiting to hit UK Distribution's shelves, some months after they'd hoped to have them. Such things happen when edits need to be made for BBFC certification and sleeve artwork needs to be approved. By the time this magazine is out they should be available - fingers crossed. On the Dutch Mr.B stand of BDSM equipment, Wim Bos and Joke Groen showed me their BoyButter lube (3 sizes of tub on hand) as well as some substantial tube-shaped ring-gags and a vacuum cupping kit. Next-door Queensway Film's Stuart Inglis and Martin McNalty were looking forward to Christmas with a new range of black, Asian and interracial titles from Black Ice. They'd also launched three triple-DVD packs of November -Big tits, Cum shots and Gangbangs- with three more box-sets due for release in December -Anal, Teeny euro girls and DP. They'd been handing out posters and goodie-bags to visitors and enjoying the buzz about their new 18-certificate lines, which Stuart said was thanks, in part, to their adverts in ETO. ABS Holdings' Lindsey Rodgers showed me their 'Make your own Dildo' tub of cock-modelling goo, their new rechargeable rabbit and a product called 'No Cum Dodging Allowed', a mouth-shaped sleeve with a wiggling tongue toy slotted in the rear. Pjur Group had stands in both the retail and trade zones, and I spoke to Alexander Geibel (amazing moustache) about their lubrication products, which they also supply to the medical industry.
By the trade area's main entrance I discovered the location of the G-spot, thanks to ID's 'Oooh, That's It!' guide. Richard Bowles talked me though their new lines, including Innuendo (a name which works on so many levels), which is a non-desensitising, non-lubricating anal relaxant, plus Womanzone stimulation gel and Tickle Her 'potion' products. Lots more info for the curious at ID-Lube.co.uk.
Back on the public side of Checkpoint Charlie, 'Why are they here?' spotting covered all the usual bases. A short list includes 'Detoxify Now' (because nothing spoils your love-life like a toxin), Hot tub Spas and Gazebos (Mmm, sexy gazebo), magnetic bracelets (with associated pseudo-science mumbo-jumbo), Jab-A-Roo Hats (Just because it's made of leather it doesn't follow that it's an adult product) plus the usual clutter of head-massagers, chocolate fondue makers, miracle bras and wigs from the likes of West Country Wigs and SMG - Although, I admit, they had more relevance to the Adult Lifestyle branding of Erotica. I asked a very nice woman from the Vegetarian Society where she stood on fish, and she said she didn't as this was cruel. They were at the event promoting vegetarianism as an ethical alternative to oral sex or something. Frankly I wasn't able to listen because a giant picture of Dave Spikey holding a courgette suggestively kept looking at me. Still, she gave me chocolate which effectively bought them the following sentence-long message: If you can't be a vegetarian, be a meat-reducer.
Dominic Hawes of Mantric was found amongst the frillies ("£10 for that? It's a bargain!") and he had this to say about the event: "It's the first time the it's been four days and expectations for Thursday had been pretty low, being midweek. But it's been a very good day with lots of people here. A different crowd from what we're used to seeing, who didn't spend as much as we would have liked, but that's always the way on the opening day of a show. Generally I think the show looks good. It's a lot less fetishy and more High Street than previous years, which has slightly lost the carnival atmosphere that it used to have. But over all it's a good, well-run show."
On the Freak Clubwear stand I learned a new phrase: Fetish Curious. They were providing a clear guide to what's what in the world of kink free-of-charge, as well as selling a wide range of bondage and CP equipment and accessories. Pauline on the FairyGothMother stand seemed very pleased to see me, and somehow looked effortlessly elegant all day long, despite being kept very busy. There was a similar story on the small Westward Bound stand, where mention of their glowing shop review in last month's ETO made me very welcome. It was their first show, other than a bridal event they'd made an impression at (something blue being guaranteed when it's made of latex), and were vowing to take a larger stand next time as staff, rubber clothing, accessories and a lot of visitors made their dinky one a tight place to be squeezed. Several swinging and sex-club organisations thrust leaflets at me as I passed and I soon felt the first stirrings of a condition I call Erotica-Fatigue.
I took a break from windowless window-shopping to watch the show, being staged by Torture Garden, as per. With bendy women, a feathered song and dance act, champagne (fake, I'm sure) being poured over bottoms and breasts (genuine) and a flaming climax, I really enjoyed it. A pair of big screens displayed the best of the action, plus as much dancing-girls-in-cages action as I could handle when the stage-show wasn't running. A special message for the bride in the cake; should you read this I just want to say hello. If you're ever free for the best night of your life, I can be contacted via paul@erotictradeonly.com.
Returning to business, the Sexxtoys.co.uk stand was never less than rammed thanks to the mystical power of a free t-shirt and the whole main floor rarely seemed other than busy. Perhaps expectations for the Thursday were somewhat lower than usual, as it was the first time Erotica had been running over four days, but the general consensus on Friday was that the change had been a success.
On the downside I did hear some dissenting voices. Several first-time exhibitors said to me that it would have been nice to have a visit from the organiser and that customer service didn't appear to be priority. Things were even more mixed in the Trade area, which I often found virtually deserted. Several stands seemed to have a regular flow of visitors but others I can't think of now without mentally adding tumbleweed and cobwebs. I believe this may have lead to some friction on the Thursday night when some folks wanted to leave before the official 9pm closing time and (how best to put this?) met with some resistance from the show management. As a reaction to this the trade show was rescheduled as 12-7pm on Friday and 12-6pm on Saturday, rather than running on 'til nine on both nights.
The Friday seemed better to several stallholders I spoke to, although I didn't notice any difference in visitor numbers or mix personally. One thing I did pick up on was that security at the show, a past bugbear of mine, seemed more efficient this year. There were still a lot of camera-phones in use whenever bondage furniture was being demo'd or the stage show was running but at least I was challenged when using my own camera. There also seemed to be more security, perhaps to deal with the larger number of visitors that was being predicted.
In the art area I met several folks I recognised, including Mighty Aphrodite's Zena and Leigh, Bob of Stig-Art.co.uk, Nancy 'fetishdollies' Farmer and Georgie Tier, who was wearing a very natty top hat. I also chatted to a lady from Walsall called Pumpkin about her work, which I was able to take more seriously than her name. Close by George Pilkington of the Cool and Groovy Toy Company showed me the future; a silent bluetooth controlled egg toy that could be activated via text message. Textsex takes a bold step forward but at £200 retail, even in a lovely aluminium case with a combination lock, possibly not a mass-appeal leap. There's an anal version in the pipeline (giggle) that would double the possibilities of these brightly coloured programmable 'ants-in-your-pants' devices. Using different codes in your text can set them vibrating in wildly different patterns, including a delay which would only add to the element of surprise.
Cockrule is a fun willy measurer, retailing at the show for £9.99. I had to reject it on the basis that it only goes up to 9", which brought some laughter (possibly forced) from the firm's Colin Long, a name that brought a smile to my own face. Opposite, John Pritchard of Spencer & Fleetwood Ltd. was selling some interesting novelty lines of his own, including a £10 'Dirty Old Man's Walking Stick' which was fitted with a useful mirror near the base. Near him I enjoyed a chat with Michael Bloomfield on the Movie & Music Memorabilia stand. They were selling prints and original quad artwork from British sexploitation films of the 70's, as well as posters of Victorian erotica and mounted A4 pictures from more innocent (allegedly) times. I passed Richard Larsen (didn't he do The Far Side?) on his jewellery stall to reach Jonathan on the Pleasure Poles.co.uk stand. He extolled the virtues of the 10Kg portable travel pole, which had a show-special price tag of £265, while a young honey rotated gracefully on a £850 podium/pole combo.
Ultimately my memories of the two days will be of cellulite and 'another Erotica', even though I did enjoy the show. This was my fifth visit to one since 2002 and I don't feel it's moved on particularly. Certainly their web site (www.erotic-uk.com) is still pants. The show remains the UK's only adult retail event on its scale, but as I constantly have to tell girls, bigger doesn't automatically mean better.
Paul Smith is still free to a good home. Kinky Job offers to info@snapsandbytes.co.uk please.
2900ish words on more Sex(shopping) in the City, Dale. I hope you like them.
Paul.
ADDENDUM!
Too saucy for Erotica? Booby Sisters vow to Bounce Back!
Laura Hawkins and Tania Amazon, adult entertainers and feature DD-dancers, who were at the show as 'The Booby Sisters', were removed from their stand at this year's London Erotica. A clearly upset Laura told our contributor Paul Smith their story:
"We were evicted on Friday evening about 7pm - how wrong is that? Apparently we were being too rude by touching our nether-regions but we didn't do it. We were too busy chatting to people and signing our new Caribbean Dreams calendars and DVDs to have time to put on a show, so I guess there must be some Booby Sister clones out there! I think we were treated pretty unfairly. Tania was physically thrown out into the street by one of the security staff because she was warned to not speak to anyone whilst we were packing up. A guy asked what was happening and when she responded the bouncer physically removed her, partially exposing her in the process. It's really quite unbelievable. We've received a few calls and emails from people who were there at the time saying how shocked they were and how terribly it was dealt with.
It was pretty awful but we've had a laugh about it since. Suffice to say we were banned from the rest of the exhibition. We had such tiny denim shorts on that kept riding up that we were having to adjust ourselves quite often but as for fingering ourselves, that's a joke. We're the Booby Sisters not the Fanny Sisters! No doubt we'll bounce back soon enough, after a few more days licking our wounds(!)"
Paul comments: Heavy handed security? This was Erotica, not a Labour Party conference. I'm glad they've been able to see a funny side to it - I'm not sure I could if it happened to me. I did know some visitors were removed from the show but I was shocked when I heard Laura's outrageous story, as the events kicked off after I'd left the show on Friday. I've asked for my name to be added to any petition for a campaign to 'Pardon the Booby Two' - Or should that be four? Seriously, it's quite an insight into customer relations at Erotica 2005.