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March 2004: PAUL SMITH - "I am not a twat, I am a human being!"
Sadly Customer Service is often shorthand for doing as little as possible, without making someone so angry they never return. When I'm one consumer in 30 million it's to be expected, I suppose. This made it all the more shocking when I was on the receiving end of something miraculous last week, while at Pizza Hut.
I nodded towards my empty glass as the Waiter approached and gave him a hopeful smile. He smiled back and nodded towards the full glass of diet cola on his tray. On his way past to collect another patrons order he'd noticed I was almost empty and he'd anticipated my needs. Now that's what I call Waiting! I've wracked my brains to recall another incidence where anything like this has happened and I can't. His level of customer service is unique in my experience. I really should have left a tip.
The antithesis was standing in a queue in Sainsbury the following day. It was busy and I only wanted a loaf so I was at the cigarette counter. I was standing next to sign that said Queue This End Please. Two ladies were serving, and I had to wait while one put a week's worth of shopping through the till. The other was nattering with her niece's half-sister's step-son's mum. I tried to catch her eye, and made some English coughing noises, but she made a show of not noticing a 6ft 2" 18 stone man waving at her. After 5 minutes the 'shopper' said, "Oh, 10 B&H please." After she was served she remembered that her life depended on buying a lottery ticket. I smouldered. Suddenly serving wench 2 became available. As I rushed forward she turned to a woman stood by a sign that clearly read Please Queue At The Other End and said, "Can I help you dear?" I was restrained. I merely threw the loaf I'd been holding with white knuckles down on the counter, rather than force-feeding it to anyone, or their rectum. I walked out muttering things a magazine like this could never print.
Later I had a run-in with the robotic Nazis of AOL over the word pervert. They said it was offensive and by using it I was in contravention of their Terms Of Service. What a lot of TOS I said, pointing out that one can pervert the course of justice. They replied that the word could mean something sexual, to which I replied that the same could be said of fist, mate or probes to Uranus. They didn't like that, so they suspended my account, changed my passwords and told me to write to them explaining why I thought they should let me back online. I asked if they'd be refunding some of the £15.99 I give them monthly since they were not providing the service I'd already paid for. The argument rolled on.
The moral of these stories is while the customer may not always be right, if you start treating them like a twat there's every chance they'll start behaving like one.
Paul Smith is still 'resting'. Job offers to info@snapsandbytes.co.uk please
511 still fairly pissed-off with AOL words Dale. Any problems please let me know budski.
Paul
Praise for this article:
Dale [my editor],
[Blah blah blah]
Cheers
PS. Could you let Paul Smith know that I thought his last article was so funny!
Steve of Action Replay.