paul smith's Snaps & Bytes e-home
July 1999: I am scum.
He is a Politician. Therefor he is a liar. She is a Hairdresser. Therefor her name is Vikki (with little circles on top of the 'i's). I am a sales guy. Therefor I am scum. Or so you'd think. Perhaps it's simply a timing thing, but sometimes my contacts are mysteriously out. That's out in a "Tell him I'm out" kind of way. Not so bad in itself, but sometimes it's left all too painfully obvious they're around but not in the mood to discuss cables. It's that kind of thing that brings the worst out in me. My dark side, my uncontrollable sarcasm beast, is roused by people pulling my plonker. I find myself enjoying conversations like:
"Sorry Paul, John's just popped out."
"I had a pair of pants like that too."
"He's rather busy at the moment."
"I'll call back when he's finished his tea."
"Sorry Paul, Sue's gone out."
"Have you tried dousing her in petrol?"
"She's tied up in the warehouse."
"Ah, sweet memories…"
All very unprofessional, yet strangely satisfying. I'd much rather be told to sod off and call back at a more convenient time. It's ruder but at least it's honest and that's the way I prefer it. Happily most of my customers are delighted, if not apoplectic with joy, to hear from me. One waits keenly by the 'phone for my weekly call, just to beg me to recite Lewis Carroll's 'The Jabberwocky' to him. Gawd knows why, but I like to oblige. It must be a purchasing thing. He has to place a decent order to get all the funny voices though...
Which neatly brings me in a thoroughly contrived way to regional accents. Mostly I've looked after accounts in the South east of the country, which has helped me develop clipped tones that would get me an announcing job with the BBC. And I can do a good cheeky Cockney-Wide-Boy so I can wheel and deal with Peckhams finest PC floggers. Sometimes I could pass as an extra from 'Lock, stock and two smoking barrels'. Viz: "It's a deal. It's a steal. It's the sale of the flipping century. Yours for a monkey, squire. Pukka." And hence it was a dark day when I got talking to a Newcastle account prospect last week. Technical chitchat can be a minefield at the best of times, but when wrapped up in an unfamiliar accent so thick it's verbal fog, it's a nightmare. And I'm sure the guy was pissed too, which frankly didn't help. In the end I asked him to fax me his requirements. Predictably his handwriting was as impenetrable as his speech. Don't get me wrong, I love the Geordie accent. It's just I can't understand it hen it's 'assisted' by a gallon of famous brown ale. To sum up. Please don't call me if you're as pished as a fart, because I will deliberately and maliciously fail to understand the word 'Scsi', no matter how loudly you sluringly shout it. Thanks.
Cheering me up this month has been a top class Nintendo 64 game called Beetle Adventure Racing. You may recall I have a fondness for a certain arcade racer called GTI Club. Well, this piece of software hokum is as close as I've found on a home system. You race themed tracks (ski-resort, volcanic island, etc.) with multiple shortcuts against a pack of VW's latest Cockroach inspired incarnations of Hitler's favourite car, whilst collecting points for hitting cardboard boxes. Imagine Starskey and Hutch meet The LoveBug. Lots of fun for kids of all ages.
That which promises to be the biggest thing since the whole concept of slicing this month prompts the return of product news. Star War(tm) Episode one(tm) The Phantom Menace(tm) is going to be the largest merchandising bonanza of the decade. While Titanic may prove to be a bigger cash cow at the box-office, when did you last see a drowned sailor action figure or a 'king-of-the-world' lunchbox? IT industry TPM branded products will include such favourites as: The Game, the mouse-pad, the mouse, the screensaver and desktop theme CD-ROM, the CD case, the PC dust cover (no, it's not made up), the other game and the Playstation sticker set. If you've not cashed in on the South Park, Lara Croft, Wallace and Gromit or StarTrek phenomena with some attractive but frivolous items, now would be your big chance! "Ey, where there's nerdish obsession there's brass", as they don't say up t' north.
750ish words. Thanks for your continued support Dale. I hope you regard the above to be a return to form.
All my love, Paul.
P.S. Have you seen the new Millennium Bug solution? It's called Y2KY-Jelly. It lets you put four digits where previously only two would fit.