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August 2004: PAUL SMITH - Doom, gloom and wooden spoon.
Doom, in many ways, turned me on to PCs. Before then I was perfectly happy with my SNES, Megadrive and majestic Panasonic 3DO. Subsequently someone tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “Have you tried this?” That’s how they get you. One blood gushing, corpse sliding frag later and I was hooked on the serial linkup game. I was working as the deputy manager of a ZCL Calculus store at the time and made my self fairly unpopular at home by regularly stumbling in at half-past-nine at night, reeking of BFG plasma and with rocket fuel smeared on my collar. I had a problem. I realise that now…Especially as the near future contains Doom3 and, I predict, some nights so late they’re… they’re… Oh something. I’m fresh out of snappy imagery. Like Jeremy Clarkson on a rare off day, I’ve “Spectacularly run out of talent, run out of runway and run out of clichés”.
EGN and ECTS are to be held (probably in a headlock) on the same long September 1-3 half-week. Wednesday to Friday? Hello? Someone explain this to me. Please. Are they hoping people will visit both as some sort of BOGOF thing? Earls Court (no apostrophe like Kings Cross but unlike Baron’s court and St. John’s Wood. Perhaps I need to get out more) isn’t that far from ExCeL as the crow flies but it’s still a pig to get to by public transport. To save you digging out your battered copy of the London A to Z to try to decode the tube map I’ve done the hard work for you: From Earls Court take the District line 13 stations east, getting off at Tower Hill and trotting left around the corner -past the remains of a roman wall- across the road and up some steps to Docklands Light Railway ‘Tower Gateway’ station. Here take a spooky automatic driverless train 9 stops towards Beckton. Get off at Custom House. It shouldn’t take you more than a couple of hours, some abusive beggars, a pickpocket or two and the loss of your will to live to get from one to the other. Then of course the real fun begins. To get to see the products you’ve come all this way to, it’ll pay to cover yourself with lard first. You’ll find my patented technique for getting through the crowds will leave you slipperier than Halo2’s release date.
I had to do something today that I didn’t want to. No, not my washing up -anyone who’s ever seen my sink will know just how daft such an idea is- rather I bought something from eBuyer. I couldn’t help it. They made me do it! I’d have liked to buy the item from my local indie but he wanted £30 more for exactly the same thing so eBuyer got my custom. I’m finding talking about it cathartic. I’m not proud of myself, nevertheless I am going to be able to sleep tonight. I know it’s not an excuse, but I can take some small solace in the fact that I didn’t go to PC World.
Paul Smith - Urbane Warrior - still seeks employment Nirvana. Please e-mail him at info@snapsandbytes.co.uk with your offers.
516 words on the world as I see it Dale. I hope they leave you pleased.