PAUL'S THOUGHT: OH LORD, IT'S HARD TO BE HUMBLE (WITH A 9" PENIS)
This is what all the Laydees love:
Rich, charming, intelligent, sensitive, ruggedly handsome, witty, oozing sexual chemistry,
mysterious, successful, kind... Oh no, I'm thinking of Hugh Grant. Sorry. Easy mistake.
Of course, as you can see, I look more like a mix of a lost puppy and Alexi Sayle, but I guess some
women like that kind of thing.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: NATURALLY, WHEN THE POLICE
STOPPED ME, I WAS STILL FULLY MADE-UP.
Meline Hayward-Lovett was
an early girlfriend (note the hair. Mine, not hers) who sadly seemed to get on with my mates better than I did. No great
loss though because, as you can clearly see, she used to wear her PJ's out on dates. Not a winning look, even in the 80's.
This picture was taken at my mate Mike's house. His parents felt a white leather sofa to be something to aspire to.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: WHEN A WOMAN YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE
SUDDENLY GIVES YOU FLOWERS, AND YOU'RE RAJIV GANDHI...
The things I have to put up with in the name of politeness! This was in January 2000 at a magazine re-launch party at a very cool club called HOME in
London. The whole sorry, sordid story of that night can be found on my Dog Faced Boy Page. Look for the February 2000 (version 1, unused) Indie
magazine column thingy. This young lady was called Poula, and was a half Italian girl (only shaved one armpit?) who seemed to be looking for a father figure!
Places to visit: Um, in this section we have pictures from a nightclub in London, my old lounge in Aylesbury, the pub by the lake in Watermead (Aylesbury again),
the grounds of Woburn Abbey and a grotto in the grounds of Stowe House (near Buckingham).
All of these locations have much to recommend them.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: TO A SMALL CHILD WITH A
HAMMER, EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS A NAIL.
This is Lorraine, my first proper girlfriend when
I was at the tender age of [Embarrassingly old] who I was crazy about, not least because she'd wear leather miniskirts and fishnet stockings
in public. You have to respect that.
Naturally she left me for someone so far down the food chain he wouldn't even be eaten by a French person.
Swamp-life. Still, she's married now and happy, I hope.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: WHAT DOES THE WORD SEERSUCKER
MEAN TO YOU? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ME?
Catherine, pictured here dressed as a tart
at a New Years (1994??) party, dumped me when she
discovered my name (Paul Smith, for those of you who haven't been paying attention) is an anagram of
'A Shit Lump'. I have several funny stories about her... all of which are far too personal to be
reproduced here! Still, she's married now and happy, I hope.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: AS THE LIGHT DIMMED, HIS LAST THOUGHT
WAS "WHY?" WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ARGOS HE DIED IN?
Judith is a member of a unique sect which
worships the 'Giant Beak in the Sky'. It's a worm thing. Here she is flying like a Crow in praise.
Although we split up in 2000 we've remained friends and still see a lot of each other. Still, she's not
married, and I'm sure she's happy.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: IF IT QUACKS, AND IT WADDLES, IT IS A DUCK.
A
B
C
D
A) I'm not saying Judith is a duck. All I'm saying is this is the worst photo of her in existence.
B) But when she smiles the general impression is much improved.
C) Judith shows that grim glasses and an unspeakable jumper won't stop her looking lovely.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: NEVER ARGUE WITH A
WOMAN WITH PMT AND A CROQUET MALLET.
During one of my first outings with my (then) new Minalta digicam, I took this nice picture of Judith in the sun, whilst playing Croquet.
I know there's a lot of pictures of her on this page, but we were together for six years and she is very photogenic, so
why not, eh?
PAUL'S THOUGHT: TO BE HUMAN, FIRST YOU NEED TO 'THINK' HUMAN.
Left: This is a rather tasteful,
if I say so myself, picture of Sarah. It was taken by me at Stowe House (the famous Public School)
near Buckingham in August 2000. We sneaked in over the wall.
I'm sorry, but I just had to get that off my chest.
Right: Not an ex, but a very lovely bridge, also at Stowe. I'd have put this picture somewhere else,
but I couldn't find anywhere better for it. Sorry.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: PVC. IT ISN'T JUST FOR DOUBLE-GLAZING UNITS.
I met 22 year old (I had to get that in, didn't I?) Lissy in January 2003,
and although our relationship didn't last very long it was highly entertaining, to say the least.
Frankly, that's all I'm saying about it here. You'll just have to fill in the blanks for yourself.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU. NO,
PUT IT BACK. I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN, NO SWEETS!
It is a sordid story, yet it's so funny I have
to relay it to you, my friends. I'd been chatting to a girl on the 'net for a while, and then a couple
of times on the 'phone.
One day I suggested we meet for a coffee sometime (as you do) and to my surprise she accepted. We arranged to meet the next afternoon at a McDonalds near her (I know, very classy!)
The day dawned and I drove down to meet her in my best shirt. As I climbed out of my car I realised to my horror that I had no idea what she looked like! The only picture I had ever
seen of her was of her bottom!! Fortunately she recognised me (I had been less shy about sending her a shot of my face! Yes, I was brave,
wasn't I?) and waved me over. The angel above is her.
We walked her dog (it's not a euphemism) and had a nice pub meal. I felt it was such a good story it found its way into
an Indie Magazine column I wrote. Click here and find the October 2000 feature.
I've met her a few times since, and she remains witty, charming and, sadly, a friend.
June 2002 update: Since she got married last year, I've lost touch with Girl X and,
frankly, I miss her.
Late 2002 update: We had a chat on the phone. She's fine, and she said if she ever splits with her husband, it's my door she'll be knocking on,
which was a lovely thing to say. In fact, it meant more to me than it should have done. Oh why must I be a
teenager middle-aged fool in love? You can see an AVI video I sent her by visiting my Web-Cam Pages.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: WEAR SUNSCREEN. NOT ORIGINAL, I KNOW. YET WELL MEANT.
Far left:
Imagine the scene. It's April 2001. I'm at a trade show in Birmingham. It's been raining. Not a happy vision.
However! Who should walk past my stand but this lovely lady, who I believe enjoyed the stage name 'Jessica Jugs'.
Well, far be it from me to let a golden opportunity pass me by. I walked boldly up to her and jiggled my camera. With a smile she asked if I'd like a picture.
With a grin best described as cheesy, I said, "Yes please". So I handed her the camera, took two steps back onto my stand and struck a pose! She laughed about
it afterwards, once I'd explained the joke to her a couple of times. Oh the fun I have!
Leftish:
It was September 2001 and at yet another trade show I met
these three very sweet girls. I discovered the one on my right breeds show-winning champion
guinea-pigs, the middle one designs tree-houses professionally and the lady on my left teaches Judo
and tap-dancing.
Click on the small image to reveal a larger one. I feel sure many visitors will
want to do this.
The magazine, as if you'd noticed the magazine, is the one I write for, INDIE,
which is a fine production written by adults for adults. What am I saying? It's written by
independent computer or console dealers (or ex.
ones, at least) for independent computer or console dealers.
Rightish:
In February 2002
I visited the CTS (Computer Trade Show - Catchy eh?) in Birminghams' handsome N.E.C.
(National Exhibition Centre - Catchy eh?) where I met these two lovely ladies, and,
on the left, this very average lady.
If you click on the image above (note the return of my trademark orange shirt. No
danger of being lost in a sea of sombre business suits in this baby!) you'll see exactly what I mean. I'm also pulling the sort of face I
pull whist visiting the toilet for a nice sit down. Not attractive. I also have to apologise for the
shocking quality of this photograph. I think the cameraman's hands were shaking.
Finally, the girl on the right of this shot was wearing a pair of hot pants so short that
the best 60% of her arse cheeks were on proud display. Hooray for 'Hungry bottoms' I say!
Far right:
Some years earlier (note the darker hair), but also at an ECTS (European Computer Trade Show) I was once again being pressured by
the crowd into posing with another lovely lady. This is Nell, who for a while was the lady that Eidos used to promote Tomb Raider. The main character is 'Lara Croft',
a pneumatic mix of Indiana Jones and Bridget Jones.
I'd like it on record that this isn't an expression I always pull when in the presence of an attractive woman wearing tight latex.
Indeed no.
It just happens most times.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: I DON'T CARE MUCH FOR YOUR RULES
Left: Jill and Ben!
This is Jill (on the left of this picture), one of the lovely girlies
I've been in touch with through my Jonathan
Creek fan fiction, as seen on my Jonathan Creek page. I met her in early 2002 for a very pleasant walk around London.
And like any walk around London, it was made complete by causing outrage and incident in the Tate Modern art gallery: 'Art? I've had
more artistic dumps...etc.' Anyway, Jill is a student, Scottish and smells nice. At lest she did when I met her. After a curry, who knows?
Middle: Claire.
In June 2002 I met up with another buddy from the 'net, Claire. She's possibly the poshest
person I've ever spoken to, as demonstrated by this '1571' answer-phone recording of her.
Apart from being funny and v. smart, you can also see she's a smirker. Learn more about Claire here.
After I'd met her, on the returned journey home via Marylebone station, in a fit of energetic exuberance,
I decided to run up the huge flight of stairs from the underground station to the Railway station above. Initially I
out-paced the escalators, and then got shouts of encouragement as I started to flag towards the top. Once there I received a huge cheer from my fellow
travellers, which felt a bit surreal, but nice.
Right: Tabby and Paul.
On St. George's day 2002 I was encouraged to be patriotic and wear something to work reflecting this. All
I had available was this pair of swimming shorts, which as you can see, I was forced to display for this Polaroid.
To make me feel better about this public exhibition, a charming girl
called Tabitha joined in with her own Union-Jack pants. Why I'm wearing a cape, and she most of a cow-girl outfit, I really can't say. Sometimes these things
just happen. I try to be very philosophical about it.
PAUL'S THOUGHT: IT MAY NOT BE BIG OR CLEVER, BUT I AM.
I freely admit these ladies aren't ex's, or
even close friends I once shared an ice-cream with.
They just look like the sort of stylish, attractive, 'fun-loving' girls I could really get on well
with. If they play a bit of Chess, enjoy the occasional pizza and like to visit the cinema, even
better. Add an interest in Motorsport and a clean living lifestyle (they say smoking is bad for the
chest, so looking at the pictures, I'd say they were non-smokers) and I'd be in heaven.
If it helps, I'd not always insist she wears a corset. You see, I'm not too demanding at all! (P.S. I'd prefer a
similar looking girl to the one on the left, but with arms, if that's possible)
A short note for any of these ladies legal representatives: No copyright infringement is intended
by my unlicensed use of these Internet sourced pictures. I accept that their images are used without
permission and assure you that they will be removed upon demand. In fact, if any of them were to call me up
and in a stern voice tell me to take her picture off of my site, I'm sure I'd comply immediately.
Oh go on...please? ;-)
Click here to return to the Naked Photo Album index page.