A weird mixture of reality and bare faced fiction, in this, my potted history:
I live on the out-skirts of Aylesbury, a grim coal mining town in the black industrial
heartland of Buckinghamshire (that’s in the UK for you odd foreign types).
I work out-of-town in the hi-tech glue
area of the radioactive dog cheese industry doing something great
with esoteric components for gripping and turning equipment. But
I’m not quite as dull as I sound, as I hope this page-o'-fun will prove.
The town of Aylesbury itself is steeped in history. Some mornings it's hard to get out of the front door,
what with all the history piled up against it. Much of the areas history is a national secret,
but I can tell you that Fish out of the 80's flacid metal band Marillion used to live here
and we boast one of the countries nastiest tower blocks in the land; the local Council offices.
When Stan 'the man' Kubrick (the hardest to spell reclusive film director of modern times) was looking for
large expanses of faceless, soulless concrete in 1970, he came here to film parts
of 'A Clockwork Orange'. The place hasn't improved much since his death. The smell of urine is everywhere.
We have a fine network of power-lines over many domestic structures [Click to see an example] in the area,
so I'd expect the cancer rate of the area to be fairly high. Luckily the world famous (and not just for the
giant killer rats) hospital at Stoke Mandeville is only a mile or two out of town. The PM's country home, Chequers, is just
a short vomit away, as is the one-time-home of that bloke who wrote those kids books.
If you'd like more information on Aylesbury, and you're over 18, visit my
Aylesbury with Bob and Curly page, which features bad-mouthed teddy bears.
And if by a strange fluke-of-chance Teddy Bears are very much your bag, baby, then you'll find lot's
on the Judith's Bears of Doom Page. The connection? Judith lives in Aylesbury too!
Paul, 31, is the result of Neo-Nazi genetic experiments in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s.
Originally from
Wicken in Northamptonshire, he moved into Bucks aged two, and has fought
against moves to extradite him ever since.
He enjoys
high
cholesterol foods and tinkering with his car collection (four, including a rare 1970’s
Bond Bug and a
Lotus Super Seven style kit car). His favourite colour is the shade of greeny-red you get when you pick a nose which has had a nose-bleed and his
favourite films are Luc
Besson’s Taxi and a 1950’s film by Hammer called Quatermass and the Pit. He's also fond of The Italian Job, and has been known
to
only blow the bloody doors off. Which is good.
For no good reason Paul considers Cheese to be the Devils work and he thinks Mexicans have it easy. In fact, he once saved an entire
Mexican village from a horde of Vampire Goats with just a spoon. Clare Short has recently featured in
his mind more than can be broadly called ‘healthy’ and he'd like you to send him e-mail of a disturbing
nature. He has never, ever, used his powers for evil, but obviously the temptation to run amok is always there.
My very wide taste in Hobbies include:
General fun with computers, including creating and working on my personal web site, the
twisted results of which can be seen all around you!
Socialising. Particularly eating pizza or visiting the theatre / cinema with friends,
many of whom don't need paying. I also host regular film nights for my chums.
Creative digital video and
stills photography and
animation. For more info, see my
T.M.T.O.M.H. Page,
Flash Animation Pages,
Videoramascope Page,
Naked Photo Album pages, my
Online Shop Page or my well regarded
Arty Farty Page.
If you like spiders, you could also enjoy my
Furry Friends Page.
Building and maintaining my Lotus Super 7 style Kit Car, as beautifully featured on my Wheels of Fire Page.
Walking,
travelling,
swimming, tennis and
cycling. Oh and
'listening to music' and
'reading' too.
Creative writing, especially for Indie Magazine, a monthly computer trade publication.
Copies of some of my other wafflings can be found on my Dog Faced Boy Page
or for something less earnest (ha!) try my Jonathan Creek Page.
Then there's also my Paul in the Media Page, or there's a bit I had in the
Bond Bug owners club magazine.
Vaguely-classic car restoration. I own a rare 1971 Bond Bug which is featured on my Bond Bug-gery Page.
And last, if not least, Crossdressing. ;o)
Some shocking things about me:
i) I own a rare copy of the first ever edition of the Blue Peter Annual.
ii) I lost my virginity in a bathtub
iii) I can recite, from memory, PI and the Speed of Light (in miles per second) to ten figures. This ability has been of
no use to me what-so-ever, yet I continue to be slightly pleased with myself every time I pick up a calculator which only shows PI to eight places. (Oh ok. 3.141592654 and 186,282.3970 respectively.)
iv) My party trick is to lodge a complete banana in my throat and regurgitate it.
Indeed, it's usually 'fired' from my mouth with enough force that it can be shot several feet.
There was an incident with a cleavage a few years ago, but I don't like to talk about it.
v) I grew up living in a bungalow with an upstairs. You're thinking:
'He spent his formative years in an attic. It explains a lot', and you're right. It does.
vi) On demand, I can recite and act-out Lewis Carroll's The Jabberwocky poem from Alice through
the Looking Glass. It's something which, in the past, has won me prizes.
vii) I do a mean Kermit The Frog impression, usually singing his almost catch-phrase hit "It's not easy being green."
viii) I've speeded, on a bonny boat no-less, and very much like a bird on the wing, over the sea to Skye. And it was lovely. Wet, but lovely.
ix) I have an irrational hatred of the labels on the bottoms of shoes. It really makes me angry when I see a label still attached
while the shoe is being worn. I can't explain why. Like I say, it's an irrational hatred. Click here to
see more of my hates and, in contrast, loves.
x) I know what the Meaning of Life is*.
xi) My first crush was on Lady Bianca, a cartoon mouse from the Disney film, The Rescuers.
xii) I can urinate whilst fully 'aroused'.
xiii) Most shockingly, all of the above are 100% true.
10 things I want to do before I die:
i) Have a threesome with a pair of stunningly beautiful Japanese twins. Girls, for preference.
ii) Dive off of the Great Barrier Reef and swim with the colourful fishes, aquatic mammals and octopi.
iii) Discover a comet and thus have it named after me: Comet Idiot-Boy.
iv) Take up a sensible hobby that other people 'get'. Perhaps Golf?
v) Travel beyond the speed of sound to the very edge of space. Does anyone have cheap Concorde tickets they could manage without?
vi) Have the story of my life played by Alexi Sayle (or Jude Law) in a Hollywood Motion Picture entitled:
Paul Smith - The Man. The Legend. The Legacy.
vii) Go white water rafting with Stephen Hawking (A long shot this one, I suspect.)
viii) Save the life of a young child. I already have plans to stand under Michael Jackson's hotel room window with a
big net the next time he's in town.
ix) Truly know what it is to Love, and be Loved in return.
x) Become One With Everything. I already have a suitable hair style.
FROM THE BRAIN OF PAUL
This is, of course, a joke. The world today is not very Oldster friendly. Wrinklies
are treated as second class citizens. We mock their plastic teeth and laugh at
their incontinence. Far from sympathetic, I’m sure you’ll agree. I for one fully
support the right of any grave-dodger to have cheap rail travel and give their
grand-children dental abscesses with Wurthers Originals. I say yes to
cardigans. I say yes to smelling of boiled Cabbage. I applaud talking about the
war. I celebrate the choice of every Victor Meldrew to spend all their meagre
income on cat food. I do not mind that while my taxes are paying their old age
pension, regardless of need, I am expected to make provision for my own old
age. I care not that I can expect to be scowled at for not giving up my seat on the bus to a
grey haired, sour faced old bitch. I like to be hobbled by those tartan covered
shopping trolley things. I admire those fleece lined boots with the huge ‘easy-
to-work’ zips. If there is one thing The Golden Girls has taught us, it is that
being a burden to society doesn’t mean living without self-respect. It just
means you have to lower your expectations regarding personal hygiene and
starting long books. Hooray for old people I say!
(Yes, Old People, Dear.)
I SPEAK OUT AGAINST...
The scourge upon our land which is SHEEP
See how they lead our honest farmers astray?!
The little teases! Oh how they waggle their
little bottoms as they... No,I must resist!
When I get five minutes to myself I will be seeking
out fascinating facts about sheep, such as:
What is the boiling point of sheep?
Are sheep ‘the new black?’
Do sheep dream of electric Androids?
What type of soup do sheep prefer?
Are sheep inherently evil?
How far is the farthest sheep?
And finally:
Sheep: The alternatives to penetrative sex.
WHEELS OF FIRE!
This is the car that made me the man I am today. Bugger.
Discover what fun you can have with the ikky guts of a C-Reg Ford Sierra, three
years and an enormous spanner collection. Swoon as I grind, cut, file, paint and
scream obscenities on the glorious (if somewhat oily) road to kitcar creation!
Or click here to see more pictures from where the
ones above were taken, Stowe House near Buckingham.
BOND BUG-GERY!
This is the other car that made me the man I am today.
Take a crazy late 60's idea. Add a hostile take-over. Blend with 4oz. of
bright orange glass fibre. Allow to stand (on flat tyres) for 5 years. Garnish with oil, vomit and a strange 1971 psudo-glamour.
What do you get? My funky Bug!
